Home   >   Movie Stars   >   W   >   Steven Wright   >   Quotes

Steven Wright Quotes

62 quotations by Steven Wright

QuoteWhy don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.Quote

QuoteWhen I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."Quote

QuoteWhen I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.Quote

QuoteWhen I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?Quote

QuoteWhen I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.Quote

QuoteWhat's another word for Thesaurus?Quote

QuoteWhat a nice night for an evening.Quote

QuoteThere's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.Quote

QuoteThe other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.Quote

QuoteThe Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.Quote

QuoteSponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?Quote

QuoteSponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.Quote

QuoteSo, do you live around here often?Quote

QuoteRight now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.Quote

QuoteOn the other hand, you have different fingers.Quote

QuoteMy theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.Quote

QuoteMy roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.Quote

QuoteMy neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.Quote

QuoteMy friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises the baby makes so later I can ask him what he meant.Quote

QuoteMy friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.Quote

QuoteLast year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.Quote

QuoteLast week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.Quote

QuoteLast night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.Quote

QuoteIt's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.Quote

QuoteIn Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.Quote

QuoteIf you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?Quote

QuoteIf you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?Quote

QuoteIf you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?Quote

QuoteIf you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?Quote

QuoteIf you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?Quote

QuoteIf a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?Quote

QuoteI'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.Quote

QuoteI wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.Quote

QuoteI went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."Quote

QuoteI went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.Quote

QuoteI went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'Quote

QuoteI was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.Quote

QuoteI was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.Quote

QuoteI think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.Quote

QuoteI think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.Quote

QuoteI saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.Quote

QuoteI saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.Quote

QuoteI replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.Quote

QuoteI put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.Quote

QuoteI met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.Quote

QuoteI live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.Quote

QuoteI intend to live forever. So far, so good.Quote

QuoteI hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.Quote

QuoteI have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.Quote

QuoteI have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.Quote

QuoteI got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.Quote

QuoteHermits have no peer pressure.Quote

QuoteGeorge is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.Quote

QuoteFor my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.Quote

QuoteEverywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.Quote

QuoteDo you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?Quote

QuoteDo Lipton employees take coffee breaks?Quote

QuoteCuriosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.Quote

QuoteCross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.Quote

QuoteBabies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'Quote

QuoteAt one point he decided enough was enough.Quote

QuoteA lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.Quote