Steven Wright Quotes

62 quotations by Steven Wright

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

What a nice night for an evening.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

So, do you live around here often?

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises the baby makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

At one point he decided enough was enough.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.