Steven Wright Quotes
62 quotations by Steven Wright
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. |
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes." |
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. |
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? |
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. |
What's another word for Thesaurus? |
What a nice night for an evening. |
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. |
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. |
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. |
Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't? |
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. |
So, do you live around here often? |
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. |
On the other hand, you have different fingers. |
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. |
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. |
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. |
My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises the baby makes so later I can ask him what he meant. |
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. |
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. |
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday. |
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. |
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. |
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. |
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? |
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? |
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? |
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? |
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? |
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? |
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. |
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. |
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." |
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. |
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' |
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. |
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. |
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. |
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding. |
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. |
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time. |
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. |
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. |
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. |
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. |
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. |
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. |
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. |
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. |
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. |
Hermits have no peer pressure. |
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. |
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. |
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. |
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? |
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? |
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. |
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. |
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' |
At one point he decided enough was enough. |
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. |