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Joan Rivers Quotes

27 quotations by Joan Rivers

QuoteYesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.Quote

QuoteYeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.Quote

QuoteThere is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.Quote

QuoteThe ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.Quote

QuoteThank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.Quote

QuoteShe doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.Quote

QuotePeople say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.Quote

QuoteOur natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.Quote

QuoteNever floss with a stranger.Quote

QuoteMy routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.Quote

QuoteMy obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.Quote

QuoteMy best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.Quote

QuoteIt's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.Quote

QuoteIs Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.Quote

QuoteI wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.Quote

QuoteI told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property."Quote

QuoteI succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.Quote

QuoteI have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.Quote

QuoteI have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.Quote

QuoteI hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.Quote

QuoteI don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.Quote

QuoteElizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.Quote

QuoteDon't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.Quote

QuoteDon't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.Quote

QuoteDiets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.Quote

QuoteBoy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.Quote

QuoteA man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.Quote