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George Burns Quotes

30 quotations by George Burns

QuoteYou've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.Quote

QuoteYou know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.Quote

QuoteYou can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.Quote

QuoteWhen I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.Quote

QuoteToo bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.Quote

QuoteToo bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.Quote

QuoteThis is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.Quote

QuoteThe secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.Quote

QuoteSex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.Quote

QuoteRetirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.Quote

QuoteNice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.Quote

QuoteLook to the future, because that is where you'll spend the rest of your life.Quote

QuoteIt's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.Quote

QuoteIt takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.Quote

QuoteIf you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.Quote

QuoteIf it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.Quote

QuoteI'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.Quote

QuoteI'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.Quote

QuoteI would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.Quote

QuoteI smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.Quote

QuoteI don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.Quote

QuoteI can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.Quote

QuoteI can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.Quote

QuoteHappiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.Quote

QuoteHappiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.Quote

QuoteFirst you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.Quote

QuoteEverything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.Quote

QuoteDon't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.Quote

QuoteBe quick to learn and wise to know.Quote

QuoteAt my age flowers scare me.Quote