George Burns Quotes

30 quotations by George Burns

You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

Look to the future, because that is where you'll spend the rest of your life.

It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Be quick to learn and wise to know.

At my age flowers scare me.