Joan Rivers Quotes

27 quotations by Joan Rivers

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

Never floss with a stranger.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property."

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.