Woody Allen Quotes

54 quotations by Woody Allen

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

To you I'm an atheist to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7, it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

If only God would give me some clear sign Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Thought Why does man kill He kills for food. And not only food frequently there must be a beverage.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.

The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.

I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I call that mind free which jealously guards its intellectual rights and powers, which calls no man master, which does not content itself with a passive or hereditary faith, and receives new truth as an angel from Heaven.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick -- not wounded -- dead.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

I am at two with nature.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.

Should I marry W. Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.