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Woody Allen Quotes

54 quotations by Woody Allen

QuoteYou can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.Quote

QuoteWhat if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row existsQuote

QuoteWhen I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.Quote

QuoteTo you I'm an atheist to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.Quote

QuoteThe lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.Quote

QuoteThere are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesmanQuote

QuoteMy one regret in life is that I am not someone else.Quote

QuoteStudents achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.Quote

QuoteLife is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.Quote

QuoteMost of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.Quote

QuoteOrganized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.Quote

QuoteNot only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.Quote

QuoteThe government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7, it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.Quote

QuoteIt seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.Quote

QuoteIf it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.Quote

QuoteIf only God would give me some clear sign Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.Quote

QuoteIt is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.Quote

QuoteI was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.Quote

QuoteI'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.Quote

QuoteI can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.Quote

QuoteAs the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.Quote

QuoteHis lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.Quote

QuoteHow is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt sizeQuote

QuoteHow can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriterQuote

QuoteI tended to place my wife under a pedestal.Quote

QuoteEternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.Quote

QuoteWhat if everything is an illusion and nothing exists In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.Quote

QuoteWhy are our days numbered and not, say, letteredQuote

QuoteLove is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.Quote

QuoteThought Why does man kill He kills for food. And not only food frequently there must be a beverage.Quote

QuoteBasically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.Quote

QuoteAt the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.Quote

QuoteThe great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.Quote

QuoteOn the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.Quote

QuoteI took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.Quote

QuoteIt's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.Quote

QuoteI call that mind free which jealously guards its intellectual rights and powers, which calls no man master, which does not content itself with a passive or hereditary faith, and receives new truth as an angel from Heaven.Quote

QuoteI will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick -- not wounded -- dead.Quote

QuoteLife is divided into the horrible and the miserable.Quote

QuoteI am at two with nature.Quote

QuoteMoney is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.Quote

QuoteThe good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.Quote

QuoteShould I marry W. Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name.Quote

QuoteI don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.Quote

QuoteWhen I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.Quote

QuoteNothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind.Quote

QuoteIt is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.Quote

QuoteDying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.Quote

QuoteMore than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.Quote

QuoteIf you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.Quote

QuoteI had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.Quote

QuoteInterestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.Quote

QuoteEighty percent of success is showing up.Quote

QuoteIt is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.Quote