Phyllis Diller Quotes

30 quotations by Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.