PIGS (2007)

Miles is smooth, smart and attractive the definitive ladies man. After Miles returns from yet another successful conquest, his best friend Cleaver has the idea for Miles to complete the entire alphabet prior to graduation. Goaded on by his dorm mates, Miles accepts, and the contest begins. The rules are simple: the rarer the first letter of the girl s last name, the higher the odds. Money and pride are on the line, and all is going according to plan, until Miles comes face-to-face with the captivating, Gabrielle Xeropolos, aka: The X She s everything he s ever wanted in a girl. Now Miles is torn between his ever-growing feelings for Gabrielle, and his allegiance to his testosterone-filled dorm buddies. The ultimate question remains are all guys PiGS? Product Description

You do not have to watch this movie to know that all men are pigs; the title gives it away

The first time I taught a film class I screened "The Last American Virgin," a 1982 film about a group of high school boys trying to get laid. I asked my students to consider the movie from the perspective of a 16-year old high school girl on a date. Granted, the movie was not at all geared towards females and my students were appropriately outraged by the film. It should have been the first film I screened, because after seeing it my students had a clear understanding of why film criticism could be a good thing. Many years later when I taught my Intro to Pop Culture class for the first time the movie I selected was "American Pie," which is also a film about a group of high school boys who want to get laid. But over the course of the film most (but not all) of the boys discover that love might be better than sex. This seems a laudable position, but I have to point out that in the end most (but not all) of the boys get laid. I have never been able to decide whether the film is morally defensible or reprehensible, because I can make a strong case either way. Anyhow, it is within the context of those two films that I write this review of "Pigs."

The three guys sharing this particular college dorm room are Miles (Jefferson Brown) the stud, Cleaver (Darryn Lucio) the jerk, and Ben (Christopher Elliott) the nerd. Miles does not only get more women than Cleaver and Ben put together (not that either has ever been with a woman), but apparently more than all of the guys on campus put together. So Cleaver decides that there is money to be made by having a contest for Miles, to "complete" the alphabet and sleep with one woman whose last name corresponds to one of the 26 letters (his previous conquests get to count, an interesting approach since it cuts down the number of sex scenes the film will need). Nobody is going to bet on letters like M or S, because those are common, so the contest comes down to the rare letters: J, Q, and X (although there is a minor problem with another letter). More specifically, it goes down to the hardest letter of all X, because there are only three women whose lat names begin with the dreaded letter. Of course, irony is the master trope of the universe, because Miles has already met one of the women, Gabrielle (Melanie Marden), and he is smitten with her.

"Smitten" is a key word because it means that having thought with his genitals for years, Miles has actually fallen for a girl. He even claims he is love with her. Of course, the big question is what will Gabrielle do when she find out about the contest, because there is no way anybody is ever going to make a movie in which the truth does not will out in the end. Keep in mind that this is a strange college campus where apparently all of the guys but none of the gals have heard of the contest. The movie has a problem in that Brown's Miles never really seems to be the love 'em and leave 'em type Lothario he is supposed to be, although I suppose that makes his ability to bed strange women more believable since he is not the usual sort of jerk we see in such tales.

My problem is that while I am watching this deplorable contest play its way out that I am focusing on Gabrielle's behavior and comparing it to what I think she should be doing. This is one of those arguments where everything is premised on what would happen in "the real world," as a critical standard for condemning the film. The problem is that we get to the end of the movie and it essentially plays out the way I wanted it to. It is hard to condemn a movie for not having a character act the "right" way when they end up acting pretty much the way you wanted them to. Of course, that means that "Pigs" is neither fish nor fowl, because it is not really a raunchy sex comedy and it does not succeed as a romantic comedy. Granted, director Karl DiPelino, who wrote the screenplay along with Chris Ragonetti, is not really trying to make either one of those types of a film (which explains why the naked breasts in this movie show up when they do), but that pretty much describes the two groups that would check out this 2007 film, so I can see where most people will be disappointed in "Pigs." As for me, I end up sitting on the fence and find myself rounding up because I got the ending I wanted (and because the bonus music video on the DVD cracked me up: I have no shame). April 6, 2008

Soooooieee!

No one buys, rents, or watches a movie with a title and a premise like "Pigs" expecting it to be awesome. Or even great. B-movies, especially the kind that revolve around trashy frat boys and the easy T&A they grunt over, are known for being nothing more than vehicles for crude humor, bawdy misunderstandings, and lots and lots of bulging eyes, chests, and groins.

But "Pigs"? No matter who you are on the totem pole of viewers, you're bound to be left with mud on your face.

Obviously people who appreciate things like "a plot" and "well-rounded characters" should look elsewhere. The idea isn't novel: a hot jock named Miles (Jefferson Brown, who looks like a poor man's Hugh Jackman but acts with the panache of a toothless Cheshire cat) enters a betting contest in which he will try to have sex with 26 different girls, each of them with a last name that begins with a different letter of the alphabet. He is aided/goaded along in his quest by his good buddy Cleaver (Darryn Lucio, who is trying SO hard to do an impression of American Pie's Stifler that it's shameless, even for a movie of this caliber).

He is also hindered in his quest by his roommate, the socially ludicrous Ben, who is horrified to discover that Miles' final target is the beautiful Gabrielle Xeropolous, the "X," a girl Ben has been gawking at for most of his college career. Will Miles learn his lesson and stop treating women like objects? Will young, mumbly Ben ever catch the eye of the hottest girl in school (and she can even fix cars! Score!)? Will Stifler -- I mean Cleaver -- get the snot kicked out of him for failing to cover his massive gambling debts? One can only hope.

I want to go easy on a movie like this, but there's so little that works here and so much that doesn't. The plot is derivative, sure, but it is also deflated by a last minute twist that is both senseless and ruinous to the third act pacing. The characters are pigs, of course, but none of them change, learn, grow or even have anything funny or interesting to say. In a last ditch bid to be ironic and self-referential, the final frames of the movie are as follows (don't worry; no spoilers):

A black screen reads, in white letters, "The producers of this movie were advised to include female nudity. So here it is." The next shot is of a bare female torso. The woman's arms are crossed, hiding her breasts. She uncrosses her arms. Breasts! She crosses them again. Cue credits.

This is actually kinda classy, but considering the movie's target audience, "classy" is the same as "insulting." Writer/Director Karl DiPelino thought that his script and his stylism would be enough to make the movie bearable. The only thing that's bound to make its viewers even fractionally happy, though, is the end. December 27, 2007

Totally misleading marketing and a weak movie makes me unhappy.

There is no T & A in this film just so you know. Don't fall for the movie poster. One writer says "it follows Van Wilder, American Pie, Animal House." Yeah, if those films were rated PG, maybe. This movie really stinks like the dickens because they dropped the ball bigtime. Why would you make a movie with this premise and then fail to capitalize one iota on it? So yeah IMO they are falsely marketing the film to lure people to think it's one of those loaded with hot naked chics type movies, like Van Wilder, American Pie and Animal House. But it ain't. It's a college movie with a truly absurd premise and nothing at all that backs that premise up. It just doesn't work. The film is very confused about itself. November 2, 2007

Men ARE Pigs..Love it

What a fun movie!! This film is right along the lines of Van Wilder, American Pie's, Animal House. Good one liners and watching this guy go through the alphabet of Women to win a bet was too much... funny sidekick, and jealous roommate were great.... and the Girls? WOW !!! Best part was him falling for the X girl and the twist/ reversal at the end... Just good fun!!! Enjoy.... October 18, 2007

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