The Wicker Man (2006)

0 STARS: Another remake that stinks.

One really has to wonder where Hollywood will end in its relentless determination to remake every single horror movie that was ever made. Admittedly, the original "The Wicker Man" really is not a good horror movie to begin with. In short, the original is an interesting portrayal of a paganistic society, but it is not scary, nor is it very interesting or entertaining.

As undynamic as original "The Wicker Man" is, the remake relishes in its own futility beyond belief. Nicholas Cage was just awful in his role as the police officer, and the rest of the cast turned in forgettable performances at best. The liberties with the original script that the makers of the remake took are of negligible effect except to perhaps bring an already boring movie down to an even lower level of insipidity. Aside from the poor acting, my first thought after seeing the remake was, "what is the point?" It simply did not make any sense to remake this movie at all. It seems Hollywood's reasoning to remake old horror films (other than to just make money of course) is to give the film a present-day feel to it. I don't really see the point though because what inevitably happens is that the atmosphere and mood of the original is forever lost in the remake's new age flavor. Hence, an exercise in futility is the end result. Such is the case with the remake of "The Wicker Man".

In all fairness, everyone should see the original "The Wicker Man" at least once. Christopher Lee's hairdo in the movie is simply fabulous--in a humorous kind of way of course. :) October 2, 2008

Queen Bee

"The Wicker Man",for some reason,was deemed ripe for a remake. The 1973 original has Christopher Lee as a sinister,sensual Lord Summerisle... but in this version, respected ex-Mormon playwright Neil LaBute decides to turn "Wicker Man" into an allegory about male insecurities in the face of feminine power. The original was Christianity vs. paganism, resurrection vs. reincarnation, timeless in tackling issues such as sex education. But LaBute, usually known for his sardonic social commentary such as "In the Company of Men", goes back to oh-so-contemporary cliches.

In the new "Wicker Man",Nicolas Cage learns from his ex-fiancee Willow that her daughter (he's supposed to be a virgin,so he's not the father) has gone missing. Cage ventures to the Pacific Northwest, finding Ellen Burstyn leading a matriarchal cult with Leelee Sobieski at her side. Since the cult is centered on honeybees, colony collapse disorder is a big deal,and demands the final sacrifice.

The "Wicker Man" has unintentionally hilarious moments,MANY of them. Nicolas Cage freaks out,bellowing,"How did it get burned?" when he confronts the ex-fiancee. Or the scene where has a vision of a drowning girl. There's "STEP AWAY FROM THE BIKE!" Or Nicolas Cage running around the beehives. Or Cage running around in a bear outfit. The final sacrifice scenes are even funnier. He gets his legs broken a la Misery,and for some reason,bees poured onto his face. While the original Summerisle was all about the union of men and women (how very heteronormative,then again,Lord Summerisle does dance in drag),in the remake, Summerisle seems to be a matriarchal lesbian colony.

From Cage's overwrought "acting" to the ludicrous premise, "Wicker Man" crashes and burns. October 1, 2008

At least I didn't pay to see it

Luckily, my sattelite provider was having a free HBO preview weekend, and that is how I ended up seeing this movie, so I wasn't left filled with anger for wasting my money, as many of the other reviewers were. I had heard that it was a terrible movie, and had seen the fake youtube previews and montages that people have made of the movie, so I had some idea of what went on, but didn't really understand the plot, and was curious to see the actual movie. Well, seeing the movie didn't help. When it ended, I was even more confused about the whole point of it than before. This movie makes no sense. Mostly, the movie consists of Nicholas Cage running around yelling at various women, while they give him strange looks and don't answer any of his questions, so he gets mad and starts beating them all up. I do think this movie is worth seeing (if you get the chance to see it for free like I did, I wouldn't say it's worth renting.) just for certain scenes such as Nicholas Cage shaking a burned doll in a woman's face and shouting "How'd it get burned!!??" repeatedly while she stutters and stares blankly at him. Some other memorable scenes include Cage stealing a masked woman's bicycle at gunpoint, and punching a woman while wearing a bear suit. These scenes were (unintentionally) pretty hilarious. Overall, I think this movie was pretty bad. I haven't seen the original, but imagine it must be better than this version, as I dont' think it would be possible for it to be worse. September 15, 2008

I'm glad I didn't have to pay

This is the worse so-called horror movie I've ever seen. I'm surprised an actor like Nicholas Cage would play in such a horrible movie! The previous reviewers said it all, but I just had to add my two cents. I was appalled, but the price was right--nothing! Had I paid seven-bucks to see this I would've really been appalled. August 26, 2008

Get out the gas masks

I'd give this movie half of a half of a star (if I could).

I was watching it on HBO, and I was laughing too much to turn it off. Reading some of these reviews, I laughed even more. This movie deserves every bad review it gets.

Nicolas Cage looks like a fool in this. Anyone in their right mind would have been on the island for a few hours and take off running. He acts like a one-man army, and all of the actors in The Wicker Man should be wondering if they just needed the money.

So many scenes in this movie are so lame that it is embarassing. Often, it can make you crack up instead of sitting on the edge of your seat.

Like most of the other bad reviews here, I would agree--don't bother. I say don't bother with this movie unless you want to see an accidental comedy (instead of good thriller). July 30, 2008

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