The Wicker Man (2006)

Mind bogglingly bad

Nicholas Cage is an actor who is capable of producing incredibly brilliant perfromances and mind numbingly bad characters. This is one of the latter.

A well worn highway cop who gets a call from his estranged ex wife (very exstranged) to come help find their daughter.

Cage follows up and finds his ex lives in a commune in the woods ruled by women and apparently still waiting for Woodstock to start.

Ok creepy, damn obvious and you should see this all coming miles away, like another time zone away. That Cage's caracter doesn't is frustrating to the audience. we know nothing he doesn't know and he's a policeman on the ground.

I can suspend a level of disbelief for a movie, but the problem here is that Cages is inconsitent in the world. A hardboiled cop, who should be the most cynical person is trusting where no one would be and it makes no sense. He's almost psychotic in his level of trust/suspicion and this is the fatal flaw in the character. He is not consistent to himself meaning when he's mind numbingly dull, you don't believe it because he's been sharp before. This breaks the line enabling the audience to suspend disbelief and results in a film that doesn't just fail to satisfy, it creats a movie where you're angry for sitting through it all for so little reward. July 15, 2008

A Vision Gone Wrong

I have saw both versions of "Wicker Man." I never really cared for the first installment, although I am a fan of Christopher Lee. I thought this movie would be an improvement after decades to build and improve upon the original story.

Sadly, it was an incredibly unrealistic and, well, stupid movie. Naturally, Cage finds himself on an island where all men are bad. Bad, man, bad. Fine. That was expected. But the series of events is unbelievably asinine.

Somehow, a cop goes to this island, his coworkers know where he is, and yet the events happen to him and he is forgotten. As if the state wouldn't become involved. Of course, the all powerful women emerge victorious.

The best thing about this movie is the music. July 4, 2008

"PHALLIC SYMBOL, PHALLIC SYMBOL!"

Yes folks, that line and many like it can be found in this unintentional howler of a movie. My my, am I happy I saw this for free on Cinemax, otherwise I would have been VERY upset had I paid to see this in a theater, or heaven forbid bought it. All of Nicolas Cage's screaming and hysteria can't save this dog. Utterly confusing, pointless, and cruel. Really, the ending was way over the top and downright cruel/creepy, but not in a good way. Leave it to feminazi, white man hating Hollywood to put together an ending like that. Atrocious! Avoid this stinker at all costs. If my one star review doesn't convince you of that maybe the other couple of hundred here will.

Lastly, I've read quite a few reviews with people confused at what the little girl and her mother dying in the burning car had to do with the plot. For clarification, it's supposed to explain the actions behind Cage's character and why he feels so compelled to help out this chick who dumped him six years earlier. I guess it's his way of being able to save a little girl and her mother and to make up for the guilt he feels with the mother and little girl he couldn't save. Got it? Good. It's still a terrible movie though. May 19, 2008

Utterly Perplexing Remake....Why?

Firstly, I wish you all the merriest Beltane! Some cinephiles may celebrate May Day with a viewing of the wonderful cult classic film The Wicker Man, although it certainly works as a critique toward all faith. I mean of course the original 1973 film and not its 2006 remake which I finally sat through recently and hated with great passion. Neil LaBute directs and writes the screenplay, which is a bit surprising because his films haven't been significantly unimpressive; at least until now that is. The cast includes the likes of Ellen Burstyn, Frances Conroy, Leelee Sobieski, Molly Parker and of course Nicholas Cage as the film's protagonist. All should've promptly fired their management. The music for this film is by veteran Angelo Badalamenti. With that kind of talent you may on the surface wonder what could've gone wrong, but I can assure you that the flaws are many and they are actually quite easy to pinpoint.

The Wicker Man is, in short, about a man who investigates a mysterious island after hearing about his ex-girlfriend's missing daughter. The plot is roughly the same as the plot of the original, at least on the surface. All of the changes, and I mean every last one of them, were made with no concern whatsoever to the elements that made the original film so compelling and unique. Cage's character is not a virgin, nor is he notably religious in any way, which immediately eliminates the significance of the message from the original film. If anything, Cage's character comes off as a bit misogynistic and the film's villain played by Burstyn comes off as a feminist. Are we to believe that Cage deserved his fate for his misogyny or that the feminists are evil? Or both? The festival of the original was of course for May Day, here it is for a completely made up holiday while the film takes place on an island off of an American coast as opposed to an island off of the coast of Scotland like the original film. This was even PG-13 when one of the key elements to the original were the unconventional sexual overtones in the face of a devout Christian. But let's not forget, no bewbs can be seen in American theaters by anyone under the age of 17, at least without an adult present to explain exactly what those are! Amazing, especially with so many other gratuitous elements presented within this garbage.

All in all, The Wicker Man remake was nominated for five Golden Raspberry awards and cost $35 million to make. It made $32 million worldwide and has been as widely panned by critics as infamous stinkers like Boat Trip and Death to Smoochy. Thank goodness for that as we may have had an even worse sequel to worry about. Even an actor like Nicholas Cage, who has a history of poor judgement in taking roles, should've known better than this. It was evidently a huge waste of money to make and it will be a waste of money for you to buy. I highly recommend the original for only two dollars more, but avoid this one at all costs unless you're searching for unintended laughter. Cage prancing around and yelling in a bear suit is really funny, but the plot-holes alone will keep you smiling. May 1, 2008

The worst blu-ray in my collection

This is by far the worst movie in my blu-ray collection. The movie is just horrible. I bought it used off of E-bay, and the previous owner hated it so much, it appears to have been purposely scratched. I almost understand. That's not easy to do with blu-rays scratch-resistant coating, but there is a wavy scratch going all of the way around the disc (human-made, obviously). Despite this, the disc worked in my PS3.

Avoid this movie. March 25, 2008

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