The Wicker Man (2006)

Don't even get curious

Well done, Hollywood. Another European cinematic classic well and truly butchered. Any remake was always bound to pale, but this shallow, Disneyfied sham is actually too bad to be true. Anthony Shaffer's original story has been gutted of all the sub texts and research that made the original so fascinating. Instead, we have a lazily written, lethargically directed and appallingly acted mess of a movie which throws out any sense of structure and goes for style over content. The endless references to other films like Don't Look Now (always a sign of a director stuck for original ideas) are meaningless and confusing. It is as if Writer/Director Neal La Bute thought "Oh, this is just a horror film. I'll toss any old cliches together". His invention of a matriarchal pagan society based on the Apis Genus (women in charge, men as mute drones)is laughable (and I speak as a practising Pagan). A typical ill informed notion of a so called "paganism" by someone who obviously knows nothing of the culture. And why would should a society use a Wicker "Man" as their method of sacrifice? Oh, sorry, it is to justify hanging onto that title and cashing in on the reputation of the original.

Unlike Anthony Schaffer, La Bute is evidently too lazy to research genuine paganism and its components. He just makes it up as he goes along. Attempting to transplant the story to the United States also fails to come off. It just does not feel right in that setting and, unlike the Hebredian community of the original, the "Summersisle" (sic) community in this movies looks ludicrous and contrived with no obvious dynamic to justify its continuation.

Message to those who have not seen the original - see it and enjoy original filmaking at its best. Avoid this crummy parody at all costs. October 13, 2008

Horrible Movie

This is by far one of the worst movies I have ever seen. It's on par with Showgirls. Save a couple hours of your life and don't watch. October 5, 2008

0 STARS: Another remake that stinks.

One really has to wonder where Hollywood will end in its relentless determination to remake every single horror movie that was ever made. Admittedly, the original "The Wicker Man" really is not a good horror movie to begin with. In short, the original is an interesting portrayal of a paganistic society, but it is not scary, nor is it very interesting or entertaining.

As undynamic as original "The Wicker Man" is, the remake relishes in its own futility beyond belief. Nicholas Cage was just awful in his role as the police officer, and the rest of the cast turned in forgettable performances at best. The liberties with the original script that the makers of the remake took are of negligible effect except to perhaps bring an already boring movie down to an even lower level of insipidity. Aside from the poor acting, my first thought after seeing the remake was, "what is the point?" It simply did not make any sense to remake this movie at all. It seems Hollywood's reasoning to remake old horror films (other than to just make money of course) is to give the film a present-day feel to it. I don't really see the point though because what inevitably happens is that the atmosphere and mood of the original is forever lost in the remake's new age flavor. Hence, an exercise in futility is the end result. Such is the case with the remake of "The Wicker Man".

In all fairness, everyone should see the original "The Wicker Man" at least once. Christopher Lee's hairdo in the movie is simply fabulous--in a humorous kind of way of course. :) October 2, 2008

Queen Bee

"The Wicker Man",for some reason,was deemed ripe for a remake. The 1973 original has Christopher Lee as a sinister,sensual Lord Summerisle... but in this version, respected ex-Mormon playwright Neil LaBute decides to turn "Wicker Man" into an allegory about male insecurities in the face of feminine power. The original was Christianity vs. paganism, resurrection vs. reincarnation, timeless in tackling issues such as sex education. But LaBute, usually known for his sardonic social commentary such as "In the Company of Men", goes back to oh-so-contemporary cliches.

In the new "Wicker Man",Nicolas Cage learns from his ex-fiancee Willow that her daughter (he's supposed to be a virgin,so he's not the father) has gone missing. Cage ventures to the Pacific Northwest, finding Ellen Burstyn leading a matriarchal cult with Leelee Sobieski at her side. Since the cult is centered on honeybees, colony collapse disorder is a big deal,and demands the final sacrifice.

The "Wicker Man" has unintentionally hilarious moments,MANY of them. Nicolas Cage freaks out,bellowing,"How did it get burned?" when he confronts the ex-fiancee. Or the scene where has a vision of a drowning girl. There's "STEP AWAY FROM THE BIKE!" Or Nicolas Cage running around the beehives. Or Cage running around in a bear outfit. The final sacrifice scenes are even funnier. He gets his legs broken a la Misery,and for some reason,bees poured onto his face. While the original Summerisle was all about the union of men and women (how very heteronormative,then again,Lord Summerisle does dance in drag),in the remake, Summerisle seems to be a matriarchal lesbian colony.

From Cage's overwrought "acting" to the ludicrous premise, "Wicker Man" crashes and burns. October 1, 2008

At least I didn't pay to see it

Luckily, my sattelite provider was having a free HBO preview weekend, and that is how I ended up seeing this movie, so I wasn't left filled with anger for wasting my money, as many of the other reviewers were. I had heard that it was a terrible movie, and had seen the fake youtube previews and montages that people have made of the movie, so I had some idea of what went on, but didn't really understand the plot, and was curious to see the actual movie. Well, seeing the movie didn't help. When it ended, I was even more confused about the whole point of it than before. This movie makes no sense. Mostly, the movie consists of Nicholas Cage running around yelling at various women, while they give him strange looks and don't answer any of his questions, so he gets mad and starts beating them all up. I do think this movie is worth seeing (if you get the chance to see it for free like I did, I wouldn't say it's worth renting.) just for certain scenes such as Nicholas Cage shaking a burned doll in a woman's face and shouting "How'd it get burned!!??" repeatedly while she stutters and stares blankly at him. Some other memorable scenes include Cage stealing a masked woman's bicycle at gunpoint, and punching a woman while wearing a bear suit. These scenes were (unintentionally) pretty hilarious. Overall, I think this movie was pretty bad. I haven't seen the original, but imagine it must be better than this version, as I dont' think it would be possible for it to be worse. September 15, 2008

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