SnakeMan (2005)

After the corpse of a warrior who lived to the ripe old age of 300 is exhumed a team of scientists is sent to discover what made him live for so long. But the ancient tribe that guards the secret to longevity are not going to give it up without a fight leading to some violent scenes as SNAKEMAN slithers towards its conclusion.System Requirements:Running Time 96 Mins.Format: DVD MOVIE Genre: MISCELLANEOUS/SPECIAL INTEREST Rating: NR UPC: 687797110398 Manufacturer No: FLP-11039 Product Description

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Given that Snake Man was only enticing enough to get the third best Baldwin (Stephen Baldwin) it shouldn't be surprising that the rest of the movie is third-rate. From a helicopter scene that looks like a cartoon, to a subway-sized, multi-headed papier-mâché snake, it is eminently clear that very minimal effort was expelled while during this movie's conception and creation.

As far as the movie goes, it's basically an Anaconda rip-off. A group of scientists led by a helicopter pilot named Matt (Baldwin) go to Brazil to ostensibly look for the Jaguar villagers and other pointless nonsense. During the trip, the horrible CGI helicopter gets struck by equally atrocious CGI lightning, and the helicopter plummets to the jungle floor in the least believable crash since any "Dukes of Hazzard" episode. During this sequence Matt is calm, cool, and collected (probably more to do with Baldwin #3's lack of acting ability than plot device). Eventually they meet up with the Jaguar villagers, a comical collection of assorted aborigines randomly picked for no other reason than the fact that they look completely dissimilar and anything better would steal what little thunder the rest of the movie can muster. Matt begins speaking Jaguar language with the "village people"(tm), and we learn his parents were anthropologists in the area, he's an expert in hand-to-hand combat, and he's evidently a knife-throwing champion.

The rest of the movie is nothing but bad special effects, ridiculous villagers with bad makeup - not to mention a hilarious prayer dance that looks as if Jennifer Lopez choreographed a tribal council from Survivor -pseudo-jungle talk, mumbo-jumbo about an Amazonian fountain of youth, and the snake thing playfully chomping people in half.

A generally wretched movie all around, it's hardly even worth the effort or time for a Mystery Science Theatre 3000 night. July 27, 2008

"You Come For The Gift?"

Great. Another giant snake movie. This one is generally much more trying than the "Anaconda" or "Python" films, and has among the worst CGI I have ever seen in my life. I really shouldn't be too shocked...as soon as I saw Boaz Davidson's producer credit I knew this would be tough slogging.

The film, set in Brazil and actually made there (for which I give the production team credit), is a story of mysterious snake people who live for hundreds of years and the evil corporate goons who want to steal and exploit their secret. While "Anaconda" and "Python" (and other similar movies) have had menacingly large snakes, here the producers pull out all the stops and devise a humongous seven-headed snake to guard the secret of immortality. Stephen Baldwin is staggeringly banal in the lead role, but is frequently upstaged in the overacting department by most of the supporting cast, particularly Larry Day.

The film opens with a helicopter crash in a jungle (which will seem very familiar to Boaz Davidson aficionados), and progresses to scientists being tormented by the snake with homage paid to many creature features before. The heroine, Susan, is rapidly kidnapped by the natives, and tries to free herself by making a deal with her evil capitalist bosses to return a mummy that was taken from the snake people. Needless to say, this doesn't work out as she expected, and results in a mini invasion of evil corporate types, which, of course, as any experienced viewer of this genre grasps means that the snake chow has arrived.

Throughout the movie there are a variety of native actors who actually give the best performances of the film, despite their ludicrous costumes. In the end the giant murderous multi-headed reptile turns out to be the good guy (sort of) and helps the two lead characters find love in what might be one of the most ridiculously implausible yet noxiously saccharine scenes ever. To further continue the obvious plotlines, the evil guy gets his just reward: being drawn and quartered by a giant snake is certainly original punishment.

At the end of this film I felt relief that it was over, but I must confess that it did have more originality than most other Davidson projects that I have seen, so I gave it two stars. The disc also contains a "Behind the Scenes" feature in which cast and crew offer platitudes about what a great movie "Snakeman" is. While my opinion is that they are decidedly incorrect, I think the only genuinely insightful quote in the extras is from Stephen Baldwin, who says "I would have liked my character to have been eight pounds lighter." If that's all he wants changed about this film, I think I'll pass on his future artistic endeavors. May 26, 2008

Watchable mutant reptile movie

When a mummified body is unearthed deep in the Amazon rainforest ,more than simple scientific and archaelogical curiosity is aroused as it is discovered to be the remains of a man well over 200 years old at the time of his demise .An expedition is mounted to discover the tribe of which the deceased was a member and to see if they too are blessed with this type of longevity .The motive is more commercial than scientific -after all such a discovery would have major implications in our youth obsessed culture

Things quickly begin to go wrong .The helicopter -piloted by a grungy looking Stephen Baldwin -crashes during a storm ,and the survivors come under attack from a gigantic ,hydra-headed snake which devours those in its path with considerable assiduity.

Add to this the enmity of a local tribe ,the Snake People,which worships the creature and things are not looking good for our intrepid ,and internicine group ,which spends almost as much time quarelling amongst itself as it does with trying to escape from their predicament

Things get even more complicated when the boss of the outfit sponsoring the expedition arrives with mercenaries in tow intending to get the secret by hook or by crook

The effects are variable but mostly passs muster and the acting is adequate .It is nothing more than a post-pub time filler and on this level works moderately well but alas ,the killer snake movie is still waiting for its first high quality product September 29, 2007

Anaconda 1 and 2

An expedition in the Amazon finds a sarcophagus with a preserved mummy inside. Research shows the Amazon Man died when he was more than 300 years old. This sends a new team to find the source of the longevity and a now suspected lost tribe. The team, mostly made up of typical greed-oriented characters, join a helicopter pilot (Baldwin) and set off into the jungle. The team already there gets attacked while the new team's helicopter crashes. Luckily the pilot just happens to speak Jaguar and enlists aid from the Jaguar people.

Soon we meet the lost tribe and see lots of giant snake attacks. The tribe is interesting. White man only just theorized that such a tribe could exist and yet the chief speaks English (the Jaguar people who trade with Western civilization only speak their own language). This lost tribe is the Snake People and they worship Naga, a snake god. They also hold the secret of longevity which is a gift to the Snake People. Add greed, a giant snake that may have more than one head (or may be multiple snakes as the images are contradictory), a tribe trying to protect itself and a pair of characters that actually care what is going on and you get a silly, schlocky monster film. You'll have to watch to find out who survives.

Watching this movie is like watching both Anaconda movies at once. We have the lost tribe of the first movie and the longevity and multiple snakes of the second. Baldwin plays a character who looks and sounds a lot like Voight's character in the first. But it doesn't stop there. Movie fans will recognize a lot of scenes from other movies including one from Godzilla vs. Spacegodzilla. The snake monster is also a puzzler. Many times we see the snake and enough of its body to see it has only one head. Halfway through the movie the other heads show up but seem to spring out of nowhere. Idols show Naga having multiple heads but the special effects seem confused. It almost like they got halfway through the movie and decided to make the snake more monstrous by adding additional heads. But whatever the case the thing does a lot of hunting and killing but very little eating. If you want a silly monster film that requires little thought, or one where thought can actually ruin it, then this one is for you. If you want something a little better than this won't fit the bill. Still, it is fun in the right circumstances, just don't expect a lot from it. November 3, 2006

had to interject here...

Okay, I'm sorry but did that kid just say that this was one of the better monster movies he has seen. Hey kid, go rent Relic.
Thats a good monster movie with a fairly believable beastie.
The monster in this movie looks like something doctored up for a cgi spot on a Fruit Loops commercial. The acting is relatively decent for a B movie, but the plot is ridiculous and shallow. The love scenes are contrived and the whole movie collapses under its own false pretentions.
This movie is a must no- see.
Thank you for your time and believe me, you will thank me for mine. July 26, 2006

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