The Pit/Hellgate (1981)

Delightfully Awful

This review is for "The Pit," as I have yet had time in my increasingly busy schedule to watch Hellgate. I am although more then excited because it has been rumored to me that Hellgate features a "face-ripping zombie turtle." Now if that doesn't wet your whistle, so to say, then I don't know what will.

"The Pit" in a nutshell. Really perverted 12 year-old kid, who's teddy bear communicates telepathically with him, finds a hole in the ground filled with trolls. Teddy, oddly enough the name of his bear, tells the young pervert to feed them. People consequently die. Pervert helps to release the before mentioned trolls out of the hole, who in turn, kill more people.

The plot is awful, the special effects are awful, and the dialogue is awful. But I will be d@mned if this wasn't the most "Delightfully Awful" movie to come out of the seventies. A pervert, a psychic teddybear, and troglodytes. What more could you ask for in a movie you would have never wished to be made? Enjoy!

Do not worry, I will update the review upon viewing the next cinematic masterpiece... as soon as my girlfriend forgives me for making her watch "The Pit." March 14, 2008

It's the pits!

Why is this movie such a pile of crap? Because it had so much potential. Any fan of B horror movies would be intrigued by the premise: A boy with a crush on his babysitter leads people into a pit filled with flesh eating creatures under the direction of his talking teddy bear. What B movie fan wouldn't rush out to hunt this baby down? However, what we're given is such a boring and uneventful waste of time it's a total let down.

First we start with a clip of the movie that happens later on. What movie has this ever worked successfully in? It's like when a novel has a random page from later on in the book at the very beginning. What's the point? Why would I care what happens near the end when I don't even know who the characters are yet? So this movie is a lot like that, only worse because it's a movie and a bad one at that. It's not even different footage or camera angles, it's just the same exact footage tacked on at the beginning. It looks completely out of place because there's not any opening credits, or even a black screen with: S**t films Presents..." Nope, it just throws you into this thing completely unprepared.

Another faux pas of this egregiously bad film is that fact that instead of the murders taking place throughout the movie, they happen all at once in a time-frame of about ten minutes. There's no suspense, surprise, or ingenuity in any way. And because this happens near the end of the film, most of the movie is boring dialogue and by the time of the murders we don't even care anymore.

So without further ado I'll provide my usual synopsis of this film to prevent you from having to see it if you're only mildly interested. So let's start this piece of crap shall we?

Now as I said, it starts with part of the movie from later on. A birthday party to be exact. And within the first minute of this flash-forward we have a short flashback to make things even more confusing. The first thing you'll immediately notice is the bad acting. The one boy's voice sounds like he's doing an imitation of a cartoon dog. So to get to the point, Jamie, the anti-hero of this movie leads a boy and girl that pick on him into the pit where they are devoured. Of course we don't see them being devoured, just being pushed into the pit.

Finally we have the credit sequence which should have taken place 3 minutes ago. At least the movie has a cool theme song, but the only problem is it's the only song. I understand this movie is low budget, but even the no-budget movie Manos: the Hands of Fate had a full soundtrack! So now we're in detention, for whatever reason, where Jamie is being punished for something and it seems he cut out some naked chick from a library book. His teacher claims the librarian will "find a way to repair it." How the heck do you 'repair' a book with something cut out of it? And why does the library have nudie books in it anyway! Even if they are classified as "art?"

Jamie is completely unlikable and does nothing but play stupid pranks on people. Of course, Jamie seems to be hated by everyone, even before they know him! His mom talks to his new baby sitter and we have the same flashback from earlier on. We're only 7 min. into this and they've shown the same flashback twice.

After a longwinded discussion with the babysitter, Jamie's parents finally leave. Jamie immediately takes the opportunity to hit on his new caregiver. Good luck, Jamie, I've dealt with ice-princesses like her before. She's even some kind of feminist as she won't let Jamie help her out. Jamie confides in his Teddy Bear about all this. Teddy seems to think she's hot too so he encourages Jamie to go for it. Teddy gets the idea to peek on her while she's undressed in the bathroom. I could have used a Teddy of my own when I was his age.

After some peeping-Tom shenanigans, Jamie tells his babysitter about the things in the pit. He calls them Tra-la-logs. They're supposed to be Troglodytes I guess, or some other missing link in evolution mythology. So Jamie goes to visit the Tra-la-logs and he attempts to hold an actual conversation with them. He introduces himself to them as "The boy with the terrarium at home." Wow, isn't he special?

So yeah, that's the meat of this film. Jamie and the babysitter hanging around talking. They're pretty much the only two major characters in the whole movie. I guess you can count Teddy as number 3. Jamie also has a couple confrontations with the girl next door to help break the monotony.

We're deeply entrenched in Act 2 now and still nothing has happened. Jamie for some reason gets the idea to try and feed the Tra-la-logs. When candy doesn't work he tries meat which they really like. We don't really get to see the Tra-la-logs up close, but they kind of look like midgets underneath hair-covered carpets. So Jamie has to go around finding money to buy meat for the them and...why am I watching this? Seriously, I'm watching Jamie buying meat from a butcher shop now. This isn't entertaining! This is boring and uneventful! At least Teddy chimes in and makes things a little entertaining from time to time. Teddy's a frikkin stuffed bear and he's the best character in this film!

So Jamie does some more peeping-Tom hijinx and tricks the librarian into taking her top off while he takes a couple Polaroids. Teddy exclaims, "I'm going to look at these a lot." Man that is one deranged Teddy!

We finally reach the part of the film where Jamie begins to feed his neighbors to the Tra-la-logs. It's kinda strange though because there's like cartoon music that plays in the background. This part just speeds on by as Jamie kills them all off in rapid succession. Then we come to the part of the movie that started out this film fiasco, the part with the party and the boy and girl he tricks into falling into the pit. But what's the point of watching it? I mean, we've already seen it once.

That pretty much ends this movie. He kills a couple more people, and there's the obligatory ironic ending. Pretty standard stuff. To sum things up, this film is just one big let down. I felt like I was keeping down vomit the whole time while watching it. It has that icky 70s feel throughout it that really sets you off your food.

The crap icing on this piece of garbage DVD is that fact that they tack on another movie, He11gate, to make it seem like, "Oh, well this movie was crap, but maybe this second feature will be good." Then it turns out the extra movie is even worse than the first. At least the Pit had a cool premise, He11gate doesn't seem to have a premise at all. I couldn't even sit through the thing, so I kept it on in the back ground while I got some work done. I don't remember anything happening.
December 22, 2007

Two cult classic gems, one DVD

I would love to know what committee at Anchor Bay Entertainment sits down and decides on what movies they will release and why. With that being stated, this double movie feature from the horror vault of Anchor Bay is awesome. There are two cult classics here that are both great for the horror/campy/strange/atypical lover in you!

The movies are as follows:

THE PIT (1981) is about a boy twelve years of age named Jamie Benjamin who looks like a younger version of Beck (two turn tables and a microphone). It is safe to proclaim Jamie is a bit eccentric to say the very least. Jamie is the victim of jokes and ridiculed by peers and adults. Also he doesn't have any friends, except for his good pal Teddy, who just happens to be a "Teddy Bear". Unlike other plush animals, Teddy is able to talk to Jamie via telepathy. Teddy makes many suggestions to Jamie about how to "approach things" in life, the advice isn't always pro-social. Jamie also knows about a strange pit in the woods near his house where four to five trolls live. Jamie also has a strange obsession with sex, which he tries to display with his babysitter. Once Jamie is pushed to his limit, which isn't that far of a trip, he figures out the perfect form of revenge for everyone that has ever made a fool out of him.

The Pit is hands down one of the most bizarre, peculiar, disturbing and creepy movies I have ever seen. I wouldn't say it is scary, just weird and eerie. It is all the elements together that make it so odd: trolls, talking teddy bear, Jamie's behaviors, ghosts, characters who almost seem moot and the jovial music played throughout the film that really doesn't fit. The movie itself almost seems like a mixture of an after school special + Grimm's fairy tale + fable + rejects Muppets, no jiving. This motion picture should be watched just for the "I can't believe what I am watching aspect". Overall, The Pit is a cult classic that will make the viewer ask, "Where did the inspiration for this come from"?

HELLGATE (1980) is about three friends telling ghost stories/legends in a log cable while they wait for their friend Matt. The ghost story/legend that sticks out is about a tourist attraction town called Hellgate that closed down thirty years prior. This happened when the owner of Hellgate (who is a diet John Astin) watched his daughter being murdered by a biker gang. The legend states that this tourist attraction is now haunted and it is taboo to go there now. Hellgate is only several miles from where the friends are staying. Meanwhile, Matt is on his way to meet his friends when he sees an arcane and beautiful girl walking along the road named Josie. The interesting factor is that Josie is the owner of Hellgate's daughter who was killed many years ago. Josie has this Tori Amos thing going on about her and seems very pale when Matt picks her up in his car. So Tori, I mean Josie brings Matt back to Hellgate and tries to lure him with sex. To make a long story short, Matt leaves Hellgate without Josie and meets up with his friends. Matt and his friends then go back to save Josie, rather Matt wants to and his friends are just there for the cheap thrill. Will Matt and his friends make it out of the haunted town of Hellgate or not? Will Josie come with them or not? Is Tori, I mean Josie good or evil?

Hellgate is very cheesy and has a wonderful B movie quality about it. I was laughing out loud at some of the special effects and loop holes in plot that were so big "you can fly a spaceship through". There are zombies in this movie which is almost always a positive in any horror movie, in Hellgate it is definitely a good thing. I wouldn't say this movie is scary, but there are some creepy moments due to some lighting and situations. The characters are all pretty much flat and one dimensional. Consequently, that is alright since I was expecting anything wonderful in the "character development" department when I was watching this movie. Overall, a nice little horror flick that gives you a bit of everything: zombies, blood, nudity, interesting scenery and a zombie turtle (don't ask).

The DVD itself is dual sided and the only special features are a poster/still gallery for THE PIT, there is no special features for HELLGATE. Out of the two movies, THE PIT is definitely more unique, but HELLGATE will provide wonderful entertainment. I found this to be a wonderful investment in the DVD department and see myself watching both of these movies again. I am glad Anchor Bay is able to restore these lost gems and present them to a whole new generation of viewers. August 6, 2007

Love it

I grew up with these movies when I was young if like campy chessy type of bhorror this is for you. March 30, 2007

Three hours of widescreen schlock!

Once upon a time, a young (but rapidly aging, sadly) schlock film lover by the name of Jeff Leach discovered DVD. And life was good. Then Jeff discovered discs released by an entity named MGM that contained two cheesefests on a single DVD. And life was better. One day, while Jeff rubbed his hands together and cackled with glee over the idea that he could watch two pictures with Shelley Winters--"What's the Matter with Helen?" and "Whoever Slew Auntie Roo?" as an example--in a single day, he heard a voice come down from on high. The voice said in commanding tones, "You have done well with this discovery, but there is another truth. Go forth and find the double feature Anchor Bay discs. If you thought MGM's discs were schlocky, you haven't seen anything yet." Jeff wondered at what he had heard. He went forth into the world to find these marvels, suspecting that perhaps the voice was mistaken. What was this madness called Anchor Bay? Who dared attempt to match the marvels wrought by MGM? Infidels! Yet the truth the voice spoke of was exactly that, truth, and Jeff discovered these fabled discs. The truth shall set you free!

Free to have your mind filled with images of pure schlock, that is! "The Pit" and "Hellgate" do indeed fill a single disc in Anchor Bay's "Drive In" DVD series. Two films. Three plus hours of cheese. Here we go!

"The Pit," certainly one of the weirdest films to grace the silver screen, stars helmet haired Sammy Snyders as Jamie Benjamin, a supremely troubled pre-teen who has made a most interesting discovery out in the woods. A pit exists, you see, a pit that contains odd little troll shaped creatures with a hunger for meat. When we first meet up with Jamie, we see him pushing a bully into the pit. Then we get the backstory. Jamie is a problem child, a real weirdo that his teachers and neighbors view with suspicion and alarm. Even his parents worry about him. It makes sense. Jamie carries on conversations with his teddy bear, owns a bunch of slithery reptiles, and has an obsession with girls that would make a porn addict sit up and take notice. Watch what he does to his sultry school librarian in the hope of getting a few cheesecake snapshots! Sick, I tell you, sick! Then there is the attention Jamie heaps on his babysitter Sandy O'Reilly (Jeannie Elias). He watches her while she sleeps, asks really disturbing questions, and leaves messages on the mirror in the bathroom while she takes a shower. Paging David Berkowitz!

Flip the disc over and watch "Hellgate," a movie that greatly disappoints when compared to the wacky weirdness of "The Pit." Note to self: when you've sunk to watching horror films starring Ron Palillo of "Welcome Back, Kotter" fame, it's time to hang up the remote. Yes, "Hellgate" stars Horshack as Matt, a graduate student who stumbles over a horrible little amusement park type town with a few of his brain dead friends. What happens? Oh, not much. The owner of the park found some magical crystal that initially turns goldfish into exploding monstrosities, but he manages to master the power of this object and thus resurrect his dead daughter Josie (Abigail Wolcott). His daughter then haunts the roads around the town, luring in travelers for a little bit of lovin' and a whole lotta dyin'! Course, she didn't count on meeting up and falling in love with the hunk o' burnin' love that is Ron Palillo! This unexpected romance leads to all sorts of nonsense, some of which actually involves a bit of violence, but the movie mostly tries to play for laughs. Watch for the hoofers shaking their skirts in the dancehall! Watch for ham-fisted acting and dumb dialogue! Watch that dude spend half the film sharpening objects to challenge the owner of Hellgate only to die immediately when he shows up to do battle!

"The Pit" is by far the better picture on the disc. Snyders is an odd duck made all the odder by a script obviously written by someone who took the brown blotter at Woodstock. We get a little girl calling Jamie a "funny person" not once but twice, meat, a teddy bear that commands the living to kill, and some serious gore when the troll like creatures go on a killing spree! Wait, there's more! We get an old lady in a wheelchair dumped in the pit! We get Sandy's boyfriend falling into the pit as though he couldn't possibly have seen a hole in the ground the size of Australia! We get a conclusion taken straight out of the Twilight Zone! Oh yeah! Schlockfest central here, folks! How could a lame movie like "Hellgate" compare with such a film? Easy--it can't. Placing these two films side by side is like comparing the intellectual powers of Anna Nicole Smith and Stephen Hawking. Can't be done.

Anchor Bay does a nice job with both movies in terms of picture quality. Both are in widescreen. While no one expects anything on these double feature discs in the extras department, we do get a poster and still gallery on "The Pit." We get nothing in the way of extras for "Hellgate" unless you count the heartache you'll carry with you for days afterwards. After watching the disc, I began wondering about that voice I heard telling me to go and find this DVD. Was it the voice of the Supreme Being, or the voice of Jamie's teddy bear? I'm not sure, but I've got a sudden craving to lure my enemies into a forest in the hopes that I'll find a pit there...


October 15, 2005

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