The Apple (1980)

Take a trip back to a time when rock ruled the world with this mind-blowing magical musical that s a camp lover s delight (American Cinemateque)! Deliciously decadent and exploding with glitter and glam The Apple is a psychedelic sci-fi feast for the senses! When folk singers Alphie and Bibi enter the World Vision song contest their wholesome appeal catches the evil eye of music mogul Mr. Boogalow a Faustian fiend who promises the pair fame and fortune. Seduced by Boogalow s devilish denizens Bibi surrenders her soul and soon becomes a superstar and a pawn in Boogalow s plot to take over the planet with the power of pop music! Now Alphie must free Bibi from Boogalow and save the world from rock-and-roll ruin!System Requirements: Running Time 76 MinFormat: DVD MOVIE Genre: MUSICALS/MUSICALS Rating: PG UPC: 027616909039 Manufacturer No: 1006754 Product Description

Not everything bad is camp

It is difficult to convey just how dreadful this antiquated disco-era (1980) musical is. Apparently the idea was to create a spoof of pop music and pop musicals like "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" with a truly diabolical figure (Satan, basically) trying to control the lives of two wholesome kids from Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan in an authoritarian regime of his making. But in "Rocky," the references are witty, everything from Rockabilly to the Judy Garland legend. "The Apple" contains music that is derived from the pop music of the era, including the ballad, the big production number, the satire, and of course the disco number. All original songs and almost entirely very, very bad.

Nor is the acting much better, being too earnest to signify camp yet nowhere near good enough to invoke quality. I will say that the female lead dances and sings(her voice?) beautifully, where she gets to strut her stuff, in the high-energy number "Speed." Yet the script is cliche boy-meets-girl-loses-girl plot, which doesn't even have the sense to resolve itself. At the movie's end (spoiler alert) salvation comes in the form of a godlike leader, truly a deus ex machina--in fact, in this case the machina appears to be a golden Lincoln Continental from Heaven.

The dance sequences are generally flat and trite, usually a chorus line's worth of dancers clad in identical costumes (thank you Reynolds Wrap) doing air-punches and pelvic thrusts not much more challenging than any aerobic-dance class. Cheesy, pseudo-futuristic settings (the film is set in the "faraway" future of 1994), truly regrettable costuming for all involved and stagey, insipid camera work make THE APPLE a hard film to like even as a camp. Oh, it provoked laughter in me, but just a couple of derisive chuckles at the sheer awfulness of it all.

See and enjoy THE WIZ, XANADU or CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC for what they are. But don't waste your time on this rancid all-day sucker. August 31, 2008

If You Crossed "Can't Stop The Music" And "1984"...

This film, released in 1980 and prognosticating all the way to 1994 is a Golan-Globus production, and is essentially a reworking of the Faust legend. (After viewing it I have to wonder if Menahem Golan made a horrible pact with the devil.) I have seen an enormous number of terrible movies in my life, but this is right at the top of the heap for unadulterated camp. I will note now that the four star rating is obviously due to the "so bad it's good quality" of the film rather than any intrinsic redeeming qualities the film actually has.

The film opens at a wretched music contest where the awful band promoted by "Mr. Boogalow" (Vladek Sheybal) is neck in neck with a small-time duo from Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, the cloying Bibi and Alphie. Boogalow resorts to devious means to win, but feels threatened enough to attempt to sign them to contracts. Boogalow give them little time to read the contracts and since they don't have legal representation, Alphie refuses to sign, while Bibi signs her soul away. If all this symbolism wasn't clear enough, there is a musical field trip to the lake of fire proving Boogalow's real identity; as a further confirmation Bibi is presented with an apple (not golden or delicious) that she is pressured into biting.

After the premise that music agents are analogous to the devil (not far from the truth in some instances) is firmly established, we learn that in the future cars feature completely ridiculous profiles, that triangles are the only shape sanctioned by B.I.M. (Boogalow's agency), and that B.I.M. and the government are essentially one organization. I was especially amused by the concept of the "National Fitness Program" (a government program sponsored by our favorite Faustian NGO, B.I.M.), though less amused by the dancing involved. On the other end of the spectrum, I was completely unamused by Vladek Sheybal's singing voice when he solos in "The Master," perhaps the worst vocal performance since the day of Florence Foster Jenkins.

Bibi gets a makeover and becomes wildly successful, while Alphie continues to write horrid folk songs and live in a dump. Eventually Alphie decides living in a cave under a bridge is better than his apartment, so he moves in with a commune of hippies with names like "Lotus Blossom." Bibi escapes the clutches of Boogalow and company and joins Alphie, only to have the entire commune arrested for harboring a fugitive. Yes, Bibi is wanted for breach of contract and Boogalow and his team of lawyers and police show up for a final confrontation of Lawyers versus Hippies. This posed a conundrum: which group is less appealing? No, I jest: the movie makes it clear that it is a battle of good and evil on a titanic scale. When our heroes have seemingly no options left, the film takes a spiritual turn and presents some theology decidedly not found in the Bible. The alleged deity, "Mr. Topps," shows up in a golden Rolls-Royce in the sky, turns the hippies to angels, and utterly defeats Boogalow in a scene that must be seen to be believed. I am sure this must have had something to do with the fact that the film was way over budget due to the cost of the insane costumes and musical numbers; well, that and the production team had absolutely no idea how to wrap up this mess.

The film is low on dialogue, but high on musical numbers. It's kind of like a steam roller: once you are relieved that a musical number is over (and you will be), another one starts. The costumes and makeup are delightfully kitsch (I especially like the silver lipstick and the triangular face stickers) and leave no doubt as to when this was made. This film is truly jaw-dropping. I am not especially fond of musicals, but love cheesy movies of all varieties. This is an especially runny, excrementally smelly Camembert, putting it near the top of the bad movie menu of fine cheeses.

"The Apple" is highly recommended for anyone who believes they have seen a film so bad that there is not one worse.

Come on...take the dare...bite "The Apple." August 4, 2008

Take this Apple-a-day and the doctor will be there to stay!

The lie that all apples are healthful and beneficial to the human body is ultimately exposed in this nightmare. No apple has done more to harm mankind since Adam and Eve.

B! (I. M.!)
B! (I. M.!)

It is with these opening words...errr...letters, that we are introduced to to the B.I.M. An evil American music corporation. As we watch these glitter-covered fools in space-suits dancing and singing this musical monstrosity, the scene cuts to Mr. Boogalew, CEO of the corp. as well as his flaming underling, Shake. We are also introduced to the concept that we are watching an 'American Idol' show where the audience votes for the winner, by a reading of their vital signs.

When the songs over, (thank God!) we learn that this takes place in the future! 1994 to be specific. The next song happens to be performed by our heroes, Alphie and Bebe, singing the saccharine song, "Love: the universal melody." It will make you puke.

"We belong to one another/we share each other's destiny./United by our love, we're all children of/the universal family./And we are everybody's brother/we share the birthright to be free./And deep within our heart/there beats the song of the ages/Love: the universal melody!

"Do the BIM!" some moronic make-up wearing teen shouts. I can't imagine the complete lack of intellect a person must possess in order to request the song you just heard performed by a completely different group that has already left the stage. The only thing that got me through this song was the thought of bending BeBe over the hood of my Jeep. As a matter of fact, this was all that got me through this whole movie, as you will find should you read on.

Now we're at a BIM celebration party. They have apparently invited Alphie and Bebe because their song did very well. We're also introduced to Ashley, Mr. Boogalow's flaming head of marketing. He makes up this horrible idea that everyone has to wear a plastic triangle on their foreheads yclept a BIM mark. From this point forward, everyone, including the extras will be wearing one of these.

Dandi, male part of BIM's leading music duo decides to make his moves on Bebe even though she's Alphie's girl. Yep, there's gonna be a song.

"You're made for meeeeee!/Created for meeeeee!/And I am your kiiiiiiiiiing!/You're made for meeeeeeee!/It's fated to beeeee./And you'll be my queeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!/ You're made for meeeeeeeeeee!"

And that's about all there is to that song. It is at this point,however, appropriate to bring up the choreography that these people dance to. The choreographer was either a total genius, a Steve Reich of the dance-world, or an inebriated shut-in that wasn't so much showing them how to dance as he was having violent epileptic seizures.

The costumes? It looks like every costume from every broadway musical ever created was vomited, violently, onto the cast members. It is not unusual to see one man running around in a Techno-colour dreamcoat, being chased by the Phantom of the Opera, being chased by the entire cast of Godspell. As a matter of fact, by the end of this movie, sights like this will pass by you unnoticed. You could get into your bed only to find your wife is there with a midget circus-clown dressed up as a pig in a pilgrim costume and you won't bat an eyelash. "Night, Hon."

Had enough? Too bad, because here comes another song! That's right, this movie will NOT give you a chance to take a breather and rejoin the land of the living after each song. There will be very few gaps as you are assaulted with a Tyson-like series of one-two punches that will leave you begging to stay down on the mat.

Like a puppet on a string/Like a monkey on a swing(?)/Man is clinging to the ropes of his fantasies and hopes/We are dangling.(Clown: MR. Boogalow!)

There's not too much to say about this one. I will say that if you are not scarred for life after watching grown men dancing around with boas then I worry about you. Anyway, we now have 4 minutes of dialog nobody cares about before we have another SONG!

You thought the last song was bad? Your naivete charms me. Alphie and Bebe are now in HeIl. It may worry you that the women in this scene are fully clothed while the men are wearing practically nothing. As a matter of fact you should be worried, because I sure as heIl am. This song gets off to a terrifying start as vampires and a hoard of ghastly ghouls darts around like they've just took a shot of jenkem. You'll know you have because that's what this movie is.

Long story short, Bebe signs the contact and Alphie doesn't. Now, Alphie storms out leaving Bebe alone with the BIM. And you know what, you got another friggin song coming. Choke on it. At least they finally show their straight viewers some service and have Bebe scantily clad in workout clothes. About friggin time.

Just because you made it through that song with wrists intact, don't think you can tell your family to un-hide the silverware, because after a few short lines of dialog you've got another song. Things are looking up though, she's clad in Power-ranger gear and does some boxer-cising dance moves.

[...].

I hope you're still reading this, having survived this little soul-tourniquet, and are ready for more. Because you're gonna get more. After Alphie gropes his jewish landlord(he really does this) He sings her a song. The lyrics aren't worth typing.

I would hate for my review to contain spoilers concerning the end of this film so I will write no more. Who am I trying to kid, there just isn't anything left worth writing about. Should I tell you that in the end God comes to Earth in a flying Rolls Royce and saves Alphie and Bebe by taking them to Heaven in his sweet ride? Because that's what friggin happens, that's how this movie ends. Eat it. September 24, 2007

"Coming for YOU!!"

One of the all time best/worst films EVER!! "The Apple" is a camp lovers delight and truly gets better with each viewing. It's got it all: garish costumes, astounding sets, outrageous acting, surreal production numbers, compelling song lyrics!! "See an actual vampire"? I'd LOVE to!! The perfect evening of film screening? A triple feature starting with "Can't Stop the Music" followed by "Xanadu" and concluding with "The Apple." If you're not psychotic after being pummelled by these class-sicks, you've truly never lived!! Highly recommended! March 25, 2007

Not golden or delicious

I brought this film because it's projected as a silent backdrop at a club I go to and it looks completely surreal. However, after getting it home I realised why I had never heard of it before. It is absolutely dire. Terrible plot, acting and songs. Not even campily funny in manner of Showgirls or Rocky Horror. Just awful. March 22, 2007

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