Future War (1996)

"Heaven is a place on Earth"???

Hilariously bad.Wonderfully bad.While the MST3K version of this movie is priceless ("Thank you for not killing me should be a Hallmark card" "Weird PSA for the Catholic Church" and snarky remarks on the ubiquitous cardboard boxes),this movie stands out as a landmark of lousy filmmaking.

Let's take those dinosaurs--they look huge,but in the next scene,you see how small they REALLY are.They overuse forced perspective--and you realize people are running,screaming,from midget dinosaurs.

Let's take the alien "human" who gets tons of gratuitous shirtless scenes,Daniel Bernhardt.He starts out groaning&eating with his hands (while he camps out at what is apparently the Biggest Loser Halfway House for the Obese).Suddenly,he's quoting the Bible and how he wants to "lay down his life for his friends." He helps the cussing nun regain her faith.And when he's imprisoned,he cries out "Cha!Cha!" What happens after the alien saves mankind?He becomes a rehab counselor at the halfway house.

Finally,let's take this movie's weird take on faith.It's all about the prostitute-turned-nun who wonders if she should take her final vows.An interesting,compelling idea for a movie.However,when she's taking her final vows,she keeps on giving significant looks to the alien&after the fight scene,one wonders if she's given herself to Jesus or the alien.Huh?It's almost as if there were two movies going on-an alien fleeing slavery-a nun regaining her faith-and neither of them fit together right.

"Future War" is a PERFECT movie for a good laugh.It restores your faith in that,yes,cheesy movies still exist and are a balm for the soul. December 1, 2006

So bad it's entertaining!!

WOW! That's all I can say after watching this ridiculous movie. This one is right up there (or down there, depending on how you look at it) with R.O.T.O.R. and Supersonic Man when it comes to the pantheon of bad movies. A few good things about this movie. I learned that Los Angeles is the cardboard box capitol of the world. The boxes are everywhere in this film. I learned why L.A. has problems with drought and has to get its water from northern California.....the water system there is built out of wooden pallets!! WHen the "actors" venture into the sewers to kill the foam rubber dinosaurs the sewers are built of wooden pallets. It probably leaks all the drinking water right back into the ground! Bad acting, horrible special effects and the worst knock off of the police station scene in the first Terminator movie I have ever seen. If you like bad movies this stinker is for you! August 12, 2005

The "Citizen Kane" of cardboard box movies!

Apparently, Ed Wood was still alive as recently as 1996 using the alias "Anthony Doublin" while directing the completely INSANE "Future War". Right away, one would assume that this film somehow involves some sort of warfare, taking place in some latter time period? Well, no, because by making that assumption, one also mistakenly assumes that sensible people wrote, directed, acted, or even catered this production. Actually, this film takes place in present-day Los Angeles.

I learned a lot from this film. Having not been to L.A. in decades, I was rather surprised to learn that the place is now largely deserted and dominated by cardboard box storage houses. Either that, or this film was funded by the Georgia-Pacific company. Also, judging by the title, I've learned that a "War" is not limited to armies of thousands, but can also be defined by a couple of overweight guys in leather and facepaint with some styrofoam dinosaurs chasing a guy that likes to stretch his eyelids and lips to their limits whenever possible.

Daniel Bernhardt (a poor man's Van Damme!) is a human slave who escapes his cyborg captors and winds up in the empty part of L.A. The cyborgs aren't going to let him go, so they go down and chase him around with their quite non-agile dinosaurs (I'm not sure if the cyborgs owned the dinosaurs or stole them from a miniature golf course). Luckily, it takes little effort to defeat these dinosaurs in combat (Bernhardt probably had to pull his punches and kicks, since styrofoam can split quite easily).

And on to the legendary fight between Bernhardt and a cyborg played by Robert Z'Dar (the film's best and most accomplished actor!). Bernhardt runs past some empty cardboard boxes... Z'Dar powerfully breaks through that mighty barrier; Bernhardt in an incredible display of strength and dexterity, heaves a box at Z'Dar, who is equally up to the challenge! Man, if an empty cardboard box can't bring him down, what can? Bernhardt runs through more boxes and... and... well, I leave the rest of the fight to your imagination, I don't want to spoil it.

The bulk of the film has to do with Bernhardt meeting a groovy nun and a couple other people and avoiding more cyborgs and police officers played by actors and scripted to act pretty much the opposite of how actual police officers act when faced with a dinosaur (which alternates between 6 and 25 feet tall depending on the take) or a nun and a dopey guy. I'm not entirely sure how the movie ended, my DVD spit it out before that. I think it was because the previous DVD I had in there was "Raging Bull", and the resulting massive shock from following it up with "Future War" caused a malfunction.
March 4, 2005

DANIEL IN THE DINOSAUR'S DEN

Oh, my, this is one bad movie. Martial arts hero Daniel Bernhardt is simply awful as a "runaway" from the future who comes back to Earth, which his people think is really "heaven." There he joins up with a renegade nun and some hood boys to take on dinosaur trackers and cyborgs who have come to take him back. Special effects are atrocious, the whole cast is terrible and this movie is a complete waste of time. Avoid at all costs. January 13, 2005

One of the MST3K greats, but crappy film.

The Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of this movie is funny as crap. This movie on its own is an abomination. The idea was interesting. A slave from Earth's future travels back to Earth's past, calling it Heaven, while being pursued by androids and "dinosaurs." However, the bottom-barrel budget and horrid acting make it almost unintentionally hilarious to watch.
The runaway (Daniel Bernhardt), who looks disturbingly similar to Van Damme, is good for only one thing, martial arts. Every scene in which he speaks, I crack up in laughter. "I preferred his grunting." MST3K's Mike replies. The nun who accompanies him is also not a talented actor, as every one of her lines comes out stilted and boring.
The "force-perspective puppet" dinosars were hilariously low budget, and the cardboard "camera" brought a tear to my eye. The android was hideously large-faced too. In short, watch this in it's MST3K incarnation and be prepared to laugh. "This is one of those times when a parent should have CRUSHED a child's dream of being a film-maker." says Crow. November 17, 2004

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