Tales From The Crypt Presents - Bordello Of Blood (1996)

Private eye Rafe Guttman (Dennis Miller) is hired by repressed, born-again Katherine (Erika Eleniak) to find her missing bad-boy brother. The trail leads him to a whorehouse run by a thousand-year-old vampire (Angie Everhart) and secretly backed by Katherine's boss, televangelist Jimmy Current (Chris Sarandon, wonderfully insincere and smarmy). Not for the squeamish or the easily offended (but you knew that from the title), Bordello of Blood is pulp horror as it should be--funny, fast, and full of gore. How many movies do you know where naked vampire hookers devour the still-beating hearts of their adolescent clients, or where the hero saves the day with a Super Soaker? Dennis Miller is at his wisecracking best as the oddest private eye since Elliot Gould played Philip Marlowe in The Long Goodbye. Angie Everhart devours her role with relish (yum!). And former Playboy Playmate Erika Eleniak seems to be enjoying the joke that in a movie filled with half-naked women, she's the only one who keeps her clothes on. --Geof Miller Amazon.com

Awesome movie, classic, buy it!!

Ignore the bad reviews and buy this movie!!
This was a thoroughly enjoyable flick! It's just like a "Tales From The Crypt" episode with that mix of horror and humour. Angie Everhart is one damn hot and sexy vampire and does a superb job as Lillith, the head vampire! Never really was a fan of Dennis Miller but he is great with the one-liners and I really enjoyed his presence in this!
A story about a bordello masquerading as a creepy funeral home, with Angie Everhart and a bunch of naked vampire hookers! What more can you want?! This was a really fun movie!! I rented this years ago, then went back and bought it I loved it so much! Blows away many of the newer horror crap that's out there today! How come Hollywood can only come up with remakes these days??
This was a well put together fun, sexy, and scary flick with great acting on the part of all the actors. Yea, maybe a little camp here and there, but it works well and fits the "Tales" style of horror. I am generally picky, especially with horror flicks, in fact I'm not big on humour in movies either, but this movie was enjoyable from start to finish! One of my all-time favs!
Go out and treat yourself to this enjoyable movie, you won't regret it!



February 25, 2008

AWFUL!..To say the least

First of all, Angie Everheart can't act her way out of a paper bag. The person who did the casting for this movie should be fired immediately. I wanna hope they weren't serious. I mean, this has to be a comedy..right? This is a disagrace to vampire movies everywhere and has ultimately led to the destruction of the "Tales from the Crypt" movie legacy. "Tales from the Crypt" was one of the most legendary shows, in my opinion, of all time. It was full of irony, deceit, horror, and revenge. There was always one lesson to be learned, and that's people always get what they deserve in the end. Needless to say, the thought of a "Tales from the Crypt" movie excited me, and after "Demon Knight" was so good, I expected this to be even better. Thus, leading to more films. I was SERIOUSLY MISTAKEN! This movie was absolutely horrible. Chris Sarandon has the most laughable character of all as the T.V Evangelist/Preacher. I was very disappointed in him after the sexy and seductive vampire he played in "Fright Night" which is also another favorite of mine. I guess he's kinda taking what he can get right now, but I would have never guessed that he was hard up enough to make a complete fool out of himself. The same goes for Corey Feldman. Obviously, the lesser talented of the 2 Corey's, he also blew big time in this movie too. After being in "The Lost Boys" I thought I was a fan forever, but once again...I THOUGHT WRONG! He was in this movie all of 3 scenes which are equivalent to about 10 minutes in all probably..if that. On top of that, who owed Angie Everheart a favor? because she had the worst role of all in the film. She clearly got this role because of how she looks because her acting level is flat at 0 (zero). Come on, Her voice stayed exactly the same throught the duration of the movie. It kept the same tone and everything, there was no enthusiam, no passion, no sex appeal, no charisma, and often at times it sounded very flat and mechanical like she was reading directly from que cards. Next, we have Erika Eleniak, who is clearly in the same boat with Chris Sarandon and Corey Feldman. I genuinely don't think she's a bad actress, but she just gets caught up in bad roles. I guess there needs to be a "Baywatch Reunion" soon because that was definitely when she shined most. Don't even get me started on Dennis Miller, he couldn't be funny if he tried. Not to mention, his acting is mediocre at best. This movie looks like one big joke that got dumber and dumber along the way. That goes double for the scene when they go into the "Bordello" to slay the prostitute vampires....PUHLEEZE! Maybe, if it were a spoof it would've been better. What was the point of even showing us the key from "Demon Knight" if it had absolutely nothing to do with the movie? I was thinking they were about to elaborate more on the key, or at least the origin...I THOUGHT WRONG! The key played no part in this at all. Next, a vampire brothel..I wonder who's bright idea that was because they person needs to be found immediately and fired. That's the best they could do? They start off by having some guy with a serious case of the shakes, and who looks and acts seriously disturbed meet these guys in a bar/poolhall and tell them all about how and where they can have the best sex of all time, give them the address of where to go, and these fools actually go. If you're gonna be that dumb, then you deserve to be eaten by vampires. I could go on and on about how bad this movie is but there isn't enough time in my life, or room on Amazon for me to express my strong dislike for this movie. There was nothing redeemable it at all. February 22, 2007

Good But Not Great

While not as good as Demon Knight, Bordello of Blood is more than the porn it seems by first glance. The movie just misses some things that the first film had. One thing being that the cast in this film is a lot weaker than what was in the original. Can you imagine Dennis Miller as the hero? It's a little too farfetched to believe. Not saying that he is bad in the film, but he just wasn't that great. But he did bring his famous sarcasm to this movie. I did, however, like Christopher Sarandon as the preacher.

The special effects in this movie didn't seem to be used as much as they were in the original film, but what is there, it is still pretty good. The movie just isn't that funny and the movie is definitely not scary. It tries to make jokes that just aren't that good and Corey Feldman does not make a good vampire. Even with all of that said, still, the movie isn't boring. It does have enough to keep interest, the final scenes of the film when Dennis and Chris use squirt guns full of holy water is something to see. The special effects during that sequence were well done.

Overall, this movie is just average. Sorry that I keep comparing to the original film even though this has nothing to do with the original except for the name and the return of the key they were trying so hard to protect in the first movie. But "Demon Knight" set a bar that this one didn't really meet. The movie is fun, and the funniest thing in this film is the man in the bar that keeps sending people to the bordello. Not the greatest of the Tales from the Crypt movies, but the worst "Crypt" movie is better than most films that are put out in the genre. Worth watching, maybe not worth buying unless you are a "Tales" fan.
July 24, 2006

Somebody Stop Corey Feldman!

Let's give Corey Feldman some credit. He was great in Stand By Me and Friday the 13th 4 and even Lost Boys...when he was a kid.(I even had the chance to work with him on 'Stormtrooper' he is without a doubt a talented actor and a genuinely nice guy)But... Somebody needs to be the one to tell him that his career is over.He tries too hard to 'play it tough'in this one.(obviously embarrassed by his Michael Jackson friendship and that film where he was a Jackson look-alike) In this turd from a once respectable studio, Bordello of Blood also stars a mis-cast Chris Sarandon and a never funny Dennis Miller. A vampire movie with hookers is a cool idea, but Rodriquez and Tarantino did it much better with From Dusk Till Dawn.Also, a horror-comedy still has to be funny, right? This piece of cinematic dung was brought to the screen by some very famous directors ( Robert Zemeckis and Walter Hill)and the TV series wasn't that bad. It just cannot make the transition to the big screen. For example,everything from the casting down to the crappy set design and cheapo FX( So bad they make Battlestar Galactica look like genius)not to mention the cheesy puppet Cryptkeeper. The one scene I care never to see again: Feldman,wearing phony-looking teeth and a plastic make-up appliance on his face( which is about to fall off at any moment-Shame on you, FX Guy! For shame!)
leers lustfully as his sister is molested by the Queen bitch vampire, Angie Everhart. It is a sick film made by sick,twisted, and cynical 'players' in the film industry. (Even Richard Donner-'Lethal Weapon' kept his name on this one!)The director(Gilbert Adler) should have to do prison time in 'director's jail' for his part in this atrocity. Yes, it's that bad. Dennis Miller, the ever cocky smartass 'Private Eye' (Oh,we've never seen that cliche before!)confuses his talent with the size of his paycheck and smugly thinks he can save the film with his 'wit'. Trust me, he fails,and if you notice, this was his first (and last) starring role in a film since. Coincidence? I don't think so.
This film was an excuse for these very respectable and sucessful filmakers to slum it, and do a really awful low-budget pile of vomit. Not even the topless hookers can distract you long enough to realize that this screenplay should have been tossed in Zemeckis' golden circular file over at Universal. February 14, 2006

0 STARS: Sorry excuse for a vampire movie

When I first saw "Bordello Blood", I was so disappointed in Dennis Miller...he is a good actor in certain situations, but for his to do garbage like this is inexcusable. In fact, Miller looked more ridiculous in this movie than he did as a MNF analyst. This movie was supposed to be a vampire movie and while there are some vampires in it, one can easily see that this movie is a total joke and the crypt keeper and others involved in the making of this movie had to laughing when they made it knowing it was not scary and not any good. This is a waste of a serious horror movie fan's time...if you want camp humor and lame comedy fine, but don't call this a horror movie. Thank you. May 18, 2005

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