Stealing Beauty (1996)

 much ado about nothing
To comprehend this empty, meaningless drivel, one must accept, as do the characters in it, the premise that Liv Tyler is a veritable goddess of love. Unfortunately, as she is stultifyingly dull, inane, superficial, selfish, coy, and vapid, this is impossible. God only knows why Bertolucci cast her in this role, surrounded by others who can actually act. Not even consummate pro Jeremy Irons can make his fascination with this simpering whiner sound sincere.

The story is as banal as she is: teenage Lucy (Tyler) returns to Italy to lose her virginity, dreaming of a sexy young Italian she met at 13. She does not delight in the Tuscan landscape, study art, or learn Italian, which she insists on pronouncing with an excruciating American accent. Lucy lodges with a fatuous English sculpture and family who live the kind of `bohemian' life only available to the idle rich. The boys are beautiful (young Joseph Fiennes is stunning) and, their hormones raging, are after just one thing.

The only thoughtful character is a middle-aged man dying of AIDS (Irons). His inexplicable presence and predicament may have been the director's idea of adding `weight' to this fluff. He and Lucy become friends, though one cannot grasp why. Perhaps she admires his ability speak in sentences that parse. Her utter self-absorbtion is forgotten for a moment as he is whisked away to die in a hospital. But as soon as the ambulance is out of sight, pretty, perky, pouty Lucy quickly comes to her senses and returns to the task at hand: giving it up.

The only other American in the film is a thoroughly odious entertainment lawyer who, when not on the phone making deals, cheats on his wife at every turn. Being within earshot, she always catches him. He follows her around and grovels.

But back to Lucy! She is a relentless tease and remorselessly leads on her paramour. When the time comes, however, she spurns him with one last shrill whine of consternation, and flounces out of the room leaving him decidedly 'blue'.

Bertolucci must have been in love to have been this blind. February 27, 2008

 Pretty but dull...
...kind of like Liv Tyler, I guess!

This film is kind of one long homage to her, really...and if she were a more interesting beauty it just might have worked. While a passable actress, she just doesn't have much going for her other than nice hair, pouty lips, and flawless skin; her eyes are kind of vacuous and bland for the most part, and there's no primal sexual energy underneath...of course she's playing a 19 year old virgin for most of the film so I suppose that was Bertolucci's intent. Still, she's the kind of demure, quiescent type which just puts you to sleep even if she does look pretty from a distance and simply does not generate much gut-level desire.

Visually, this is indeed a beautiful film, like watching a series of postcards for two hours. The pacing is very Europeanish-slow of course, and some of the characters rather two-dimensional and predictable. Lots of artsy fartsy pretentiousness too, which can get a bit tiring, and at times bordered on outright cheesiness. Some of the cross-cultural bits, like the scene where we are subjected to Liv Tyler bounce and gyrate in her bedroom with her headphones blaring some thrash-type tune, were especially hard to stomach.

I was much relieved when it was finally over, frankly. Got tired of cringeing so much, lol. February 23, 2008

 Stealing my money
Slow boring plot, other than 2 brief nude scenes, this movie is about as slow as it gets. Not really a story line to this and the actors who are top notch are wasted. Not an NC-17 movie.. other than a guy shows his Johnson for a VERY short time and so fast you would have to be superman to see it.. (Yeah I guess you ladies could freeze frame it) December 1, 2007

 Dumb and dumberer!
I can just imagine the guys who dreamt up this movie sitting around over a few too many cocktails and wondering out loud how they could finagle a trip to Tuscany. They would have had to be totally sloshed to come up with this laughable storyline: ....Ok, let's have a great looking chick go to Tuscany; hey, let's make her a virgin; no, no, let's make her an illegitimate orphan virgin who goes looking for her father who just happens to live in a fabulous villa in Tuscany. Ok, now what? Say, her dad could be an artist, after all isn't everyone in Tuscany a scowling, bad tempered artist with five o'clock shadow? Of course, there would have to be continuous outdoor meals overlooking the vineyards. Naturally there would have to be lots of naked people running around the place in every other scene; after all isn't that normal in fabulous Tuscan villas where there are never fewer than a dozen or two visitors at every meal to eat all that endless food and to swim (nakedly) in the obligatory slimy green concrete swimming hole? Ok, what else can we do with this? So...the virgin comes trying to identify which of the many naked visitors could be her father. But that's not all! Of course, she's a VIRGIN, which means that all the endless visitors to the fabulous Tuscan villa, including the gentleman dying of AIDS (who naturally will share her primitive stone guest house), will give all their waking thoughts to thinking up ways to get her laid. The poor audience can only hope that it will not be the scowling artist (her father) who ends up doing the dastardly deed. No, that would be just too much, so let's have everyone else take a shot at her - or at least have it cross their minds. As for the virgin herself, although she of course tempts everyone, she must remain pure throughout the movie (until almost the end), saving herself for the strange looking, curly haired, trumpet-playing virgin Tuscan peasant boy. Add to all this the Artful cinematography: the endless lingering close up shots of nipples and pubic hairs and drool running out of the corners of mouths, and there you have it: the quintessential virgin-gets-deflowered-on fabulous-Tuscan-hillside (at sunset) (while nibbling olive leaves) movie. The only saving grace to this cinematic howler is actress Liv Tyler who plays the virgin. The singular beauty and sincerity she brings to the role almost make up for the rest of the rubbishy bits. October 2, 2007

 One of my Favorites
I first saw this movie several years ago, and fell in love with it. The story is nice and entertaining, but it's the setting that truly captivates. A young Liv Tyler stars in this movie, and she goes to visit friends of her late mother in Italy. They have a villa in the countryside, housing an amusing mix of eccentric people living the life. Tyler is there supposedly to have her portrait done, though she also has the hidden motive of discovering the identity of a man in one of her mothers poems whom she believes may be her true father. She also seeks love, and it is a fun tale saturated with a heady golden sunlight, flecked with terra cotta sculptures as much a part of the house and land as the residents. I've watched it many, many times since then, and the effect is never lessened. I highly recommend it.

August 7, 2007

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