Kiss Me Quick/House on Bare Mountain (1964)

Yes, it's Monsters a-Go-Go as your favorite ghouls go ga-ga over the nudist nudes in this nutty and naughty Nudie-Cutie-Horror-Comedy Double Feature. "Kiss Me Quick!" (1964, 69 min.) - Sterilox, a not-too-bright alien, visits the castle of mad Dr. Breedlove in search of the "perfect female specimen." Faster than you can say "Kiss Me Quick!," he's introduced to Breedlove's lingerie-clad creations that happily bump and grind in the dungeon. "House on Bare Mountain" (1962, 60 min.) - Granny Good and all the sexy girls in the House on Bare Mountain are throwing their annual Halloween ball and you're invited! But beware--Frankenstein, Dracula and Krakow, Granny's 7-foot-tall pet werewolf, are all looking for love. Monsters never had it this good!

Movie Idiotic, As Scary as a Linus But Women Are Gorgeous

The scariest thing about these two films is the DVD cover. The actual monsters in the film are as scary as Linus from Peanuts but the women get lots of screen time and lots of camera tilts and pans. In Kiss me, they are hynotized go-go dancers and in Bare Mountain, they are bare and I presume there's a drawing of a mountain somewhere. This one is a real oddball setup but this is one the cleanest prints ever from SW and under bright studio lights, you get every detail on how gorgeous, & all-natural the women are - lots of slow pans, tilts and closeups.

They are essentially topless throughout and they are gorgeous - all natural and of course, way before the days of tattoos. Both are in color and great looking prints. The extras and trailers are all great. One of the best SW 2-fers. This is a keeper. April 3, 2008

Very Unique

This film is very unique. If you can overlook how cheaply it was made, and believe me, that alone will be a tough task, you will be pleasantly surprised as to how funny it is.

Max Gardens plays Dr Breedlove over the top and is consistently hilarious throughout the entire film. The plot, what there is of one, consists of an alien (Frank Coe) coming to earth to seek the perfect female speciman. Of course, Dr Breedlove is the 'onestop' he needs to make. The models used are all attractive and are reasonably well built. Althea Currier never looked better than she did in this film. She will really knock your socks off. She's the total package. No wonder Russ Meyer used her in three films. Blondes Claudia Banks and Jackie DeWitt are also in the film.

The DVD also offers commentary by producer Harry Novak. I think this film is a must buy for any lover of the 'nudie cutie' era. February 14, 2005

The Grand Glom, Dictionary Recitals, And Monsters Galore

This is yet another double feature from Something Weird. The theme here is "monsters" but you won't be overwhelmingly terrified. I had heard of "Kiss Me Quick", and knew it was the first film from Harry Novak, who became a legend at the same level as Doris Wishman. "Kiss Me Quick" has to be seen to be believed. The plot concerns Sterilox, an androgynous guy wearing a colander on his head with huge feathered plumage sticking out of the top, from the Buttless Galaxy being sent to Earth by the Grand Glom to bring back a perfect woman. He is dispatched to the lab of Dr. Breedlove (who has a very annoying penchant to attempt mimicry of Peter Sellers from "Dr. Strangelove", hence the name) to study his experimental specimens, most of whom spend their day dancing with test tubes and Florence flasks. Dr. Breedlove (whom Sterilox constantly refers to as "Dr. Birdseed" for some reason) sports what may go down in history as the worst makeup on record. He and Sterilox share what may be the most painfully written dialogue in history, mostly because it is filled with unbelievably bad puns. For instance Breedlove has a mummy chauffeur he calls "Selfish". Why is she called selfish? Because she's all wrapped up in herself. This gives you only some idea of the depths of the puns involved here.

Some of the girls are attractive, but one of them has on a black wig so tall that she can dust the acoustic tiles on the ceiling with it. Also featured are the worst Frankenstein monster and Dracula in screen history. I thought this film would be bad, but I had no clue how truly awful it would be. As a bonus there is an audio commentary track with Harry Novak for this feature, which is actually more interesting to listen to than the onscreen action, which admittedly isn't saying a lot. There was also this chestnut of wisdom offered up by Dr. Breedlove to Sterilox, which is the line by which I will always remember the movie: "I show you Lady Godiva, and you ask me if her horse can play the piano! Who cares?" This is truly a work of staggering proportions.

"House On Bare Mountain" is actually an order of magnitude stupider than "Kiss Me Quick". It features the mangiest Werewolf I have ever seen working for 13 cents a day in the basement of an all girl school which is also a cover for a moonshine distillery. It is all run by drag queen Granny Good and the feds attempt a raid during a Halloween party with unexpected results. The film actually has fairly clever framing shots at the beginning and end, but that's about all that is clever here. You must see the Werewolf, named Krakow, to believe how bad stage makeup can be. The film has an extremely diverting subplot about a coed studying the dictionary. If that sounds really boring, you are correct: it is. There are a couple of amusing credits in the opening sequence including "Hair Styles by Hoover Vacuum" to divert your attention from the dreadful onscreen performances to come. Ultimately Granny Good isn't undone by law enforcement, but by the unions, specifically UWA (United Werewolves of America) Local 47 who protests Krakow's sub par wage scale.

The amazing degree of ineptitude seen in the two features is only eclipsed by the special features. Particularly noteworthy is one about the watusi, which will lead you to think that in order to perform this dance correctly, the dancer must execute complex semaphore signals with feather dusters. The worst by far is one titled "The Vampire and the Vixen", which to me seemed utterly pointless. I actually watched it a second time to make sure I hadn't missed a key plot device. I hadn't. You watch it and tell me exactly what the rising action, climax, and denouement are supposed to be. I sure couldn't figure it out.

This is entertaining stuff for people who like extremely bad monster movies. Of course there are some risque bits, which would probably garner an R-rating today, but it is in no way titillating. This is just bad cinema at its very worst. This isn't really a genre that I am normally nuts about, but I will say that for what these films are, they are kind of fun to laugh at.
August 2, 2004

One GREAT really BAD movie. You've got to love it!

OK Kiss Me Quick is one quirky film with very little plot and enough bare chested women to go around for all. The make-up/FX are so lame you have to laugh and say THAT'S GREAT, the dialog is priceless. If they invested a $1000 (in todays money) to make this film I'd be shocked. The prop are comical the look is comical and the story ... what story? You have Sterilox the alien from the Buttless Galaxy on a mission to to find "the perfect female specimen" to take back home to be slave girls. And the strange Dr. Bleedlove with his lab full of scantly clad beauties with his tripped out Dracula voice is to to scream for. If you are looking for a good time with a cheap sleezy movie this is the one. I'm sure this was backroom stuff in 1964 that would cause young boys to go blind, but by todays standards it might get an soft "R" rating at best. There is nothing explict or vulgar, no dirty words that I recall hearing, pretty much a bunch of topless GO-GO dancer on film trying their hardest to look sexy to point it's funny with a semi-plot and 1 movie actors. I'd call this a great party film or even a date film with the wife. Watch it with the sound then watch it again and add your own just make sure you have some cheesy 60's go-go music to put on. Call it Movie-oke! Check out more of these from Something Weird Video and thank them for saving these classic-cheesy-campy-cutie-nudie films from the 50's and 60's. The House on Bare Mountian is just as campy. The extra are plenty and it is well worth adding to your collection if you are at all interested in the locker-room films of the 60's. It's not for the kids, but it's nowhere as bad as some of the films out today that they watch. 5 Stars just because it's so bad it's great. July 19, 2004

Yet another pair of strange nudie cutie horrors!

There are not many Nudie Cutie horror films out there, Something Weird Video has released another DVD that I would say is much better than this with the 2 flicks Monster From Camp Sunshine and The Beast That Killed Women, you would think that these two films being more advanced would show more nudity but they showed less (not that it matters), the special features as noted from the DVD are:
*Digitally Remastered, *Original Theatrical Trailers
*KISS ME QUICK! Audio commentary by Producer Harry Novak
*The KISS ME QUICK! girls in the Threatrical Featurettes Hot Hot Skin and The Nudie Watusi
*Archival Short Subject #1: Natasha in Natasha's Suburban Sexercise
*Archival Short Subject #2: Natasha in Strip Tease Queen
*Archival Short Subject #3: Werewolf Bongo Party
*Archival Short Subject #4: The Vampire and the Vixen
*Gallery of Sixties Sexploitation Art with Radio-Spot Rarities
I would say this is a really weird film that you will find entertaining but does not live up to the others named above, not that I don't like it, I just found the others more unique and just funner to watch but still you need to get this. There are not many films like this out there, why wouldn't you want this in your collection? Both films are in color and as said in the WARNING: This program contains nudity and really bad jokes! July 8, 2002

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