The Van (1977)

"I want to take out ALL of you in my van, not just your nose!"

Ok, our hero doesn't REALLY say that line in this movie, but if you haven't figured it out already, Stuart Goetz is mostly known to millions as Charley in that legendary Brady Bunch episode where Marcia gets hit in the nose with the football (he was the dorky one with the wallpaper samples).

Anyway THAT'S where you've seen our "star" before... now on to the movie.

This was a big drive-in hit in the summer of 1977 and is a pretty good time capsule for that era. Guy hopes to impress chicks with tricked-out van, gets challenged to drag-race by rival. Lotsa partying and late-teen hijinks ensue. Feather-light script would probably take at least 24 hours to hit the floor if it were dropped from the ceiling, but it's still a fun (albeit hokey) remnant from the "drive-in swill" days of the '70s. The Rhino DVD is probably the best version (it's not heavily edited like other versions out there); the only drawbacks are it's full-frame, there are a few imperfections in the print and some of the color didn't age very well, but that doesn't really detract from overall enjoyment of the movie (if anything it enhances the "70s feeling"). Fans of "Joe Bob Briggs-type" movies will enjoy! April 17, 2007

What a dumb movie! I really want to give it a zero star.

Amazon pairs this movie with The Snapper, the second installment of Irish author Roddy Doyle's "Barrytown Trilogy". The reality is it has the same name, The Van as the third installment. I was mislead and purchased this movie. It was my own fault to trust Amazon's recommendation without double checking the director and cast members. So, I received the movie and actually watched it for 5 minutes. It was so bad, I threw the movie away without even trying to return it to Amazon.
Not too much of a review but please DO NOT buy it. February 24, 2007

The Van

A movie about a young guy who spends all his college money on a pimped out dodge tradesman Van. In which he hopes to pick up women easy, as if he would be Brad Pitt.
The movie shows a glance of the vanning culture in the 70's. The story isn't that great but, it's fun to watch the numerous pimped out Van's.
A real bargain for the Van enthusiast. March 11, 2006

"That's one hell of a van you got there."

The 70s brought us so many wonderful things...lava lamps, groovy iron on shirt decals, bell bottom jeans, feathered hair, David Cassidy, platform shoes, disco, G.I. Joe with Kung Fu Grip, Evel Knievel, Astro Pops, Macramé clothing, John Travolta, Easy Bake Ovens, Donnie and Marie Osmand, and custom vans...it may seem odd now, but the subculture of custom vans was a force unto itself, so much so there were even a couple of films made to appeal to `Vanners', or, those whom custom vans were (and maybe still are) a way of life. The two movies I'm aware of both came out around the same time, one called Supervan (1977), and this one, titled simply The Van (1976) aka Chevy Van. There may have been others, I don't know, but this film, co-written by Robert J. Rosenthal (The Pom Pom Girls, Malibu Beach, Zapped!), was directed by Sam Grossman and stars Stuart Goetz (Record City) and Deborah White (Fast-Walking, Alligator II: The Mutation). Also appearing is Harry Moses (Sweater Girls, The Happy Hooker Goes Hollywood), Marcie Barkin (Chesty Anderson, USN, Smokey and the Good Time Outlaws), Stephen Oliver (Werewolves on Wheels, Cycle Psycho), and a younger, slightly less balding, and not as paunchy, Danny DeVito (One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Car Wash, "Taxi").

As the movie begins we meet Bobby (Goetz), a doofy-looking cross between Danny Bonaduce and Donny Most, who played Ralph Malph on the 70s sitcom "Happy Days". Bobby and his friends are graduating from high school (participating in the 8 year program I suspect, as they all appear to be in their mid 20s), and Bobby's got big, post graduate plans...he's going to take all the money he's been saving up these last few years working part time at the carwash and buy himself his very own van...but it's not just any van, no, but a deluxe palace on wheels. It's real a sweet ride, complete with Mag wheels, diamond tuck pleather (synthetic leather) upholstery, custom paint job, racing stripes, wall to wall shag carpeting, air-conditioning, captain's chairs, cup holder, overhead lighting, a refrigerator and pop up toaster, CB radio, side bubble window, television, 8-Track tape player, quadraphonic speakers, fog lights, mirrors on the ceiling, and a waterbed in back (What? No disco ball?)...yes sir, it's a real shaggin' wagon, and Bobby's going to put it to good use in scoring with the femininas...seriously, what woman, plied with liberal doses of weed and booze, wouldn't want to be seduced in the back of a funky van by a 98 lb, red-headed nerd with horse teeth and wearing bell bottom jeans? Tina (White), for one, who Bobby's got a little thing for, but won't give him the time of day (uptight attitude is nothing that can't be fixed by a surgical procedure removing the three foot rod from her behind). All sorts of hi-jinks ensue as Bobby cruises about town in his new boss wheels (including attending a `van-in', or a gathering of van aficionados), and the movie eventually leads up to a big race showdown between Bobby and the local psycho Dugan (Oliver), who drives a black monster Chevy van complete with flame motif...

This is your basic teenage sex romp comedy, set against the subculture of custom vans. The story is pretty lame, basically involving Bobby buying a tricked out boogie van specifically to score with chicks, but ultimately learning that, while impressive, his shaggin' wagon is only a material possession, and true happiness comes from within...or something like that...the character of Bobby, who was supposed to be the hero of sorts, was actually a pretty sleazy one with a tendency for erotic fantasizing (these fantasies would have been much more erotic had Bobby not been in them) and date raping. His modus operandi includes luring woman into his van, doping them up with weed and booze, and then trying to forcefully jump their bones. Since he was a pretty small guy, the women were able to fend him off easy enough, but still, it was kinda creepy, and borderline criminal. Here's another great demonstration of Bobby's fine character...one scene in a local hangout has the muscle-laden bully Dugan threatening Bobby with physical violence, and one of Bobby's friend Jack (Moses) comes to the rescue. Bobby ends up taking off after a girl, leaving Jack behind to fend for himself against the much larger Dugan. The next scene we see Jack with a good-sized bandage on his face, indicating Jack took a real beating. In yet another scene we see Bobby taking revenge on some co-workers by poisoning some beers with bowel stimulating drug, to which the co-workers ingest, and subsequently spend the rest of the film chasing him around for retribution. Danny DeVito is in the film, playing Bobby's boss at the carwash and also a bookie, featured in a subplot involving Bobby loaning his van payment money to his desperate boss to pay off some losses. This sets up Bobby's need to race near the end, otherwise his ride would get repossessed. All of the main female characters get nekkid in this film, although Ms. White shows the least (there's always one in the bunch). There's plenty of driving montages, accompanied by the soft rock croonings of Sammy Johns, whose biggest hit, being "Chevy Van", is featured here, which was odd considering the main vehicle portrayed in the movie was a Dodge. Since the makers of this film paid for the rights to use Mr. John's music, use it they do, over, and over, and over again...if I ever hear `Chevy Van" or "Early Morning Love" again I'm likely to stick two cocktail shrimp forks in my ears in search of blissful release. All in all the movie is a mindless, silly affair, with some crude humor, and exactly what I expected. Is it worth seeing? Perhaps, if you, like myself, enjoy forgettable 70s films, or have an interest in fun truckin' vanners (I got the impression Bobby was no true `vanner', but only a party vanner, one who's only predisposed in using his vehicle to score).

The picture quality on this Rhino DVD release is fairly lacking, but it's pretty much what I expected given the price. There is noticeable grain throughout, and even a frame or two missing, and the movie is presented in fullscreen format. The audio track is decent enough, matching the picture quality. Surprisingly, there are a couple of extras including some bios, and a photo still gallery that doesn't appear to be screen shots, but honest to goodness production photos. This is a two star movie, but I added an extra for the nostalgia element.

Cookieman108

If I learned anything from this film it's that if you have a boogie van with a waterbed in back, it'd probably be wise not to engage in intimacies with Rubenesque women due to the distinct possibility of springing a leak, and the time you'll have to spend removing the moisture from the shag carpeting with a hair dryer...
October 13, 2005

Great 1970's Drive In Movie Fare!!!

This movie is about a Major League Geek who spends his life savings on a yellow Chevy van complete with a bed, toaster, refridgerator and all the other things that vans had back in the 1970's. Danny's main ambition is to get a girl (any girl will do for this Geek) into the back of his van. No doubt since he still lives with his parents (the loser) he can't bring a girl back to his bedroom at his folk's place so he is in hock up to his neck and indulges in drag racing to help finance his van. This is CLASSIC 1970's movie fare and it goes really well with a pepperoni pizza and a six pack of Miller beer not that I would ever encourage anybody to raise their Blood/Alcohol Level just to enjoy a movie (but it kinda helps in this instance!!!) July 10, 2005

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